BleedingPurple
Suffering Fan
100 reasons for 100 losses
The Arizona Republic
Sept. 3, 2004 02:13 AM
[font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]It isn't easy going from a World Series championship in 2001 to 100 losses three years later. It takes bad luck, bad moves and bad karma. [/font]
[font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]
In fact, there are probably 100 reasons for 100 losses. And the Diamondbacks have covered them all:
1. Bob Brenly's pack-a-day smoking habit coming out of spring training.
2. Only one Randy Johnson.
3. Johnson throws just one perfect game all season. And what's he got, like 4,100 career strikeouts? Is that it?
4. Richie Sexson bottles a season's worth of offense into one shot that goes over 500 feet.
5. Sexson checks swing.
6. Sexson checks swing again.
7. Doctors check out Sexson.
8. Sexson checks out for season.
9. Check this out: Without Sexson in lineup, team ranks last in home runs, next to last in RBIs among National League teams.
10. Wasn't this the year Cory Myers, the No. 4 pick in 1999, was supposed to be hitting in the lineup behind Travis Lee?
11. Carlos Quentin not quite ready.
12. Jered Liebeck not quite ready, either.
13. Team thought it had traded for a guy named Elmer Dessens. Turned out it was somebody named Elmer Descends.
14. Two words: Beatrice Villareal. 87-year-old woman was forced to move when Bank One Ballpark was built and died two months after moving. Two more words: She's back.
15. Dangerous biorhythm pattern in ballpark.
16. Dangerous biohazard plume under ballpark.
17. Roof closed too often.
18. Roof not closed enough.
19. Guy on roof control can't remember if it was Randy Johnson who wants it open and Curt Schilling who wants it closed, or what, but he'd sure appreciate it if everybody would just make up their mind.
20. Baseball gods and people named Bob upset by proposed ballpark name change.
21. Bobs OK with name change if beer prices drop.
22. Bobs OK with lousy record if beer prices drop.
23. Bobs OK with bad pitching, bad hitting, bad trades and even bad hot dogs if beer prices drop.
24. No run support for Big Unit.
25. Other "Big Unit" owned by APS catches fire, leads to rolling blackouts, air conditioning has to be turned down, Diamondbacks wilt in late innings.
26. Curt Schilling for Casey Fossum? You're kidding, right?
27. Luis Gonzalez's messed up arm.
28. Matt Mantei's messed up arm.
29. Believing Steve Sparks, Shane Reynolds and Casey Daigle could bolster a starting rotation without Schilling.
30. Daigle's best pitch directed at softball star Jennie Finch.
31. Brenly habit up to two packs a day.
32. Brandon Webb still creating lots of ground balls, but nobody can catch them and throw somebody out anymore.
33. That flying-wing beard Mike Koplove had going at midseason.
34. That bloated ERA Koplove had going at midseason.
35. Last year's "Baby Backs," such as Alex Cintron and Robbie Hammock, fail to progress, possibly because financial cutbacks mean no more trips to Dairy Queen.
36. One "Baby Back," Lyle Overbay, progressing nicely. In Milwaukee!
37. Downtown Cuban restaurant closes. Luis Gonzalez has no place to go for lunch. Calls it a season.
38. Bullpen that was supposed to be among the best in baseball turned out to be among the worst.
39. Fewest number of saves in the NL. Of course, you need to have the lead to save it. Team is also last in save opportunities.
40. Walk after walk after walk. Only the Colorado Rockies and Jennifer Lopez have issued more free passes than the Diamondbacks.
41. Pitching coach Chuck Kniffin gets blame (for pitching, not J-Lo).
42. Playing D. Baxter is actually Wilbur T. Wildcat's summer job. Quits to accept position with Charlotte Bobcats.
43. Creeping loser virus. Brought to Valley by Cardinals, it has spread to the Suns, Coyotes and now the Diamondbacks.
44. "Curse of the Kim-bino." In his last start for the team in 2003, Byung-Hyun Kim pitches brilliantly but team loses to Giants with two outs in the bottom of the - weee-ooooo - 13th inning. Kim is traded to Boston for Shea Hillenbrand a few days later.
45. Curse of the deferred salaries.
46. Hillenbrand's not a first baseman.
47. Swimming pool cleaning dude stealing signs.
48. Never should have moved retired Jackie Robinson No. 42 to make room for more signage. Bad karma inevitable.
49. Somebody evidently killed a billy goat or something.
50. Hallucinogens found in "BOB Sod."
51. John Mackovic. Don't worry. He's used to being blamed for everything.
52. Team misses Craig Counsell's hustle and versatility.
53. Fans miss Counsell's chiropractor's-dream batting stance.
54. Randy Johnson shoves Luis Gonzalez in dugout after dropped fly ball. Gonzalez possibly mutters something about his surprise that it stayed in the yard.
55. No weapons of mass destruction discovered in Iraq.
56. No weapons of any kind found in Diamondbacks offense.
57. Arizona Republic assigns hockey writer to cover baseball.
58. Coincidentally, hockey team scores more often than baseball team.
59. Dodgers factor. Diamondbacks contributed to so many of LA's victories, if Dodgers win the World Series, they should share the trophy.
60. Half the team doesn't need to shave yet.
61. Tony Womack establishes self as every day leadoff hitter.
62. Womack does it in St. Louis.
63. Randy Johnson trade rumors disrupt club.
64. There's no Johnson trade, just rumors, disrupting Johnson.
65. Franchise sets some sort of record for most players to hit their first major league home run in the same season (nine at last count).
66. Steve Finley is one of team's only consistent offensive threats.
67. Finley traded.
68. Players fatigued by constant 110-mile trips from Tucson.
69. Sports Illustrated jinx - or maybe just stupidity. The magazine picked Diamondbacks to win NL West.
70. Mark Grace goes to the booth a year too soon. As a result, Diamondbacks have no punch off bench.
71. Also as a result, sportswriters have no punch lines in stories.
72. Also as a result, Brenly has nobody to bum a smoke from, and he needs one bad.
73. Fans can't name more than 10 players on roster.
74. Players can't count more than 10 fans in some sections.
75. Danny Bautista's arm is so accurate because he gets so much practice making throws to home.
76. "Dog days" of summer often last five months in Phoenix.
77. Herpetologists suggest new snake-derived stadium name: Herpes Simplex. It's rejected.
78. Team loses back-to-back games on walk-off home runs.
79. Brenly switches to filterless brand, increases to three packs a day.
80. Carlos Baerga speaks faster than he runs
81. Foundation built by Buck Showalter, who was fired in 2000, crumbles.
82. Thom Brennaman has better year than team he covers.
83. It's the economy (of baseball), stupid!
84. Injuries to major league-high (15) players means constant influx of inexperienced players.
85. Young players and old tune out Brenly.
86. "What the hell did you trade radio analyst Victor Rojas for?"
87. "My broadcasting people love Ken Phelps' voice. They kept saying, 'Ken Phelps! Ken Phelps!' "
88. Virtually out of players, frustrated Tucson Sidewinders consider cutting ties with parent club.
89. With better winning percentage at BOB than the Diamondbacks this season, Montreal Expos consider petition to move to Phoenix.
90. Hey, what ever happened to Erubiel Durazo? Oh.
91. And David Dellucci is diving for fly balls in Texas?
92. Not enough Jesse McGuire National Anthem performances.
93. For some reason, air conditioning blows in when Diamondbacks bat, out when they're in the field.
94. Players go on slump-busting drinking binge. Chocolate milk just doesn't get it done.
95. Never recovered from Opening Day loss to Colorado Rockies.
96. With Brenly as manager for full season, team loses 99 games - tops - but he needs lung transplant.
97. Robin Yount says, "Thanks, but no thanks." Or maybe "Take this job and shove it."
98. Jerry Colangelo gives up control to bring in additional money. New money boots him out the door.
99. Former player agent now runs team.
100. Al Pedrique seen at a Circle K. Looks as if he might be buying his first pack of cigarettes. [/font]
The Arizona Republic
Sept. 3, 2004 02:13 AM
[font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]It isn't easy going from a World Series championship in 2001 to 100 losses three years later. It takes bad luck, bad moves and bad karma. [/font]
[font=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]
In fact, there are probably 100 reasons for 100 losses. And the Diamondbacks have covered them all:
1. Bob Brenly's pack-a-day smoking habit coming out of spring training.
2. Only one Randy Johnson.
3. Johnson throws just one perfect game all season. And what's he got, like 4,100 career strikeouts? Is that it?
4. Richie Sexson bottles a season's worth of offense into one shot that goes over 500 feet.
5. Sexson checks swing.
6. Sexson checks swing again.
7. Doctors check out Sexson.
8. Sexson checks out for season.
9. Check this out: Without Sexson in lineup, team ranks last in home runs, next to last in RBIs among National League teams.
10. Wasn't this the year Cory Myers, the No. 4 pick in 1999, was supposed to be hitting in the lineup behind Travis Lee?
11. Carlos Quentin not quite ready.
12. Jered Liebeck not quite ready, either.
13. Team thought it had traded for a guy named Elmer Dessens. Turned out it was somebody named Elmer Descends.
14. Two words: Beatrice Villareal. 87-year-old woman was forced to move when Bank One Ballpark was built and died two months after moving. Two more words: She's back.
15. Dangerous biorhythm pattern in ballpark.
16. Dangerous biohazard plume under ballpark.
17. Roof closed too often.
18. Roof not closed enough.
19. Guy on roof control can't remember if it was Randy Johnson who wants it open and Curt Schilling who wants it closed, or what, but he'd sure appreciate it if everybody would just make up their mind.
20. Baseball gods and people named Bob upset by proposed ballpark name change.
21. Bobs OK with name change if beer prices drop.
22. Bobs OK with lousy record if beer prices drop.
23. Bobs OK with bad pitching, bad hitting, bad trades and even bad hot dogs if beer prices drop.
24. No run support for Big Unit.
25. Other "Big Unit" owned by APS catches fire, leads to rolling blackouts, air conditioning has to be turned down, Diamondbacks wilt in late innings.
26. Curt Schilling for Casey Fossum? You're kidding, right?
27. Luis Gonzalez's messed up arm.
28. Matt Mantei's messed up arm.
29. Believing Steve Sparks, Shane Reynolds and Casey Daigle could bolster a starting rotation without Schilling.
30. Daigle's best pitch directed at softball star Jennie Finch.
31. Brenly habit up to two packs a day.
32. Brandon Webb still creating lots of ground balls, but nobody can catch them and throw somebody out anymore.
33. That flying-wing beard Mike Koplove had going at midseason.
34. That bloated ERA Koplove had going at midseason.
35. Last year's "Baby Backs," such as Alex Cintron and Robbie Hammock, fail to progress, possibly because financial cutbacks mean no more trips to Dairy Queen.
36. One "Baby Back," Lyle Overbay, progressing nicely. In Milwaukee!
37. Downtown Cuban restaurant closes. Luis Gonzalez has no place to go for lunch. Calls it a season.
38. Bullpen that was supposed to be among the best in baseball turned out to be among the worst.
39. Fewest number of saves in the NL. Of course, you need to have the lead to save it. Team is also last in save opportunities.
40. Walk after walk after walk. Only the Colorado Rockies and Jennifer Lopez have issued more free passes than the Diamondbacks.
41. Pitching coach Chuck Kniffin gets blame (for pitching, not J-Lo).
42. Playing D. Baxter is actually Wilbur T. Wildcat's summer job. Quits to accept position with Charlotte Bobcats.
43. Creeping loser virus. Brought to Valley by Cardinals, it has spread to the Suns, Coyotes and now the Diamondbacks.
44. "Curse of the Kim-bino." In his last start for the team in 2003, Byung-Hyun Kim pitches brilliantly but team loses to Giants with two outs in the bottom of the - weee-ooooo - 13th inning. Kim is traded to Boston for Shea Hillenbrand a few days later.
45. Curse of the deferred salaries.
46. Hillenbrand's not a first baseman.
47. Swimming pool cleaning dude stealing signs.
48. Never should have moved retired Jackie Robinson No. 42 to make room for more signage. Bad karma inevitable.
49. Somebody evidently killed a billy goat or something.
50. Hallucinogens found in "BOB Sod."
51. John Mackovic. Don't worry. He's used to being blamed for everything.
52. Team misses Craig Counsell's hustle and versatility.
53. Fans miss Counsell's chiropractor's-dream batting stance.
54. Randy Johnson shoves Luis Gonzalez in dugout after dropped fly ball. Gonzalez possibly mutters something about his surprise that it stayed in the yard.
55. No weapons of mass destruction discovered in Iraq.
56. No weapons of any kind found in Diamondbacks offense.
57. Arizona Republic assigns hockey writer to cover baseball.
58. Coincidentally, hockey team scores more often than baseball team.
59. Dodgers factor. Diamondbacks contributed to so many of LA's victories, if Dodgers win the World Series, they should share the trophy.
60. Half the team doesn't need to shave yet.
61. Tony Womack establishes self as every day leadoff hitter.
62. Womack does it in St. Louis.
63. Randy Johnson trade rumors disrupt club.
64. There's no Johnson trade, just rumors, disrupting Johnson.
65. Franchise sets some sort of record for most players to hit their first major league home run in the same season (nine at last count).
66. Steve Finley is one of team's only consistent offensive threats.
67. Finley traded.
68. Players fatigued by constant 110-mile trips from Tucson.
69. Sports Illustrated jinx - or maybe just stupidity. The magazine picked Diamondbacks to win NL West.
70. Mark Grace goes to the booth a year too soon. As a result, Diamondbacks have no punch off bench.
71. Also as a result, sportswriters have no punch lines in stories.
72. Also as a result, Brenly has nobody to bum a smoke from, and he needs one bad.
73. Fans can't name more than 10 players on roster.
74. Players can't count more than 10 fans in some sections.
75. Danny Bautista's arm is so accurate because he gets so much practice making throws to home.
76. "Dog days" of summer often last five months in Phoenix.
77. Herpetologists suggest new snake-derived stadium name: Herpes Simplex. It's rejected.
78. Team loses back-to-back games on walk-off home runs.
79. Brenly switches to filterless brand, increases to three packs a day.
80. Carlos Baerga speaks faster than he runs
81. Foundation built by Buck Showalter, who was fired in 2000, crumbles.
82. Thom Brennaman has better year than team he covers.
83. It's the economy (of baseball), stupid!
84. Injuries to major league-high (15) players means constant influx of inexperienced players.
85. Young players and old tune out Brenly.
86. "What the hell did you trade radio analyst Victor Rojas for?"
87. "My broadcasting people love Ken Phelps' voice. They kept saying, 'Ken Phelps! Ken Phelps!' "
88. Virtually out of players, frustrated Tucson Sidewinders consider cutting ties with parent club.
89. With better winning percentage at BOB than the Diamondbacks this season, Montreal Expos consider petition to move to Phoenix.
90. Hey, what ever happened to Erubiel Durazo? Oh.
91. And David Dellucci is diving for fly balls in Texas?
92. Not enough Jesse McGuire National Anthem performances.
93. For some reason, air conditioning blows in when Diamondbacks bat, out when they're in the field.
94. Players go on slump-busting drinking binge. Chocolate milk just doesn't get it done.
95. Never recovered from Opening Day loss to Colorado Rockies.
96. With Brenly as manager for full season, team loses 99 games - tops - but he needs lung transplant.
97. Robin Yount says, "Thanks, but no thanks." Or maybe "Take this job and shove it."
98. Jerry Colangelo gives up control to bring in additional money. New money boots him out the door.
99. Former player agent now runs team.
100. Al Pedrique seen at a Circle K. Looks as if he might be buying his first pack of cigarettes. [/font]
