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I twitched myself awake from a 40-minute power nap with Scooby-Doo Meets the Boo Brothers on my TV. My phone vibrates with a notification. "Latest Mock Draft Features Crazy Trade," my screen read. I rolled my eyes, took a big swig from my Stanley Cup, and daydreamed of beautiful days in September where the draft is far, far away.
Full transparency - I hate mock drafts. I understand the need for them, especially when the NFL makes the mind-numbing decision to put it at the end of April almost two months after the NFL Combine, which then leads to accounts named NFLDraftRulez42069 to spend three days debating if a certain receiver is actually good because his 40-time was six hundredths of a second slower than he thought it would be.
So, as we continue to drag dreadfully slow to the 2025 NFL Draft, I'm allowing the darkness to take over like Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3. I've seen the words "Mock Draft" too many times, so I'm starting to wear all black, growing bangs, and gyrating my hips randomly in public to show how bad I am.
So, consider this my symbiote mock draft as I go a bit crazy. Let's get weird.
Trade details:
Mickey Loomis looks at the books and sees that he somehow gave the Saints $33 million in cap space. He begins to celebrate, and Kellen Moore siezes the moment.
"Mickey, let's just go balls to the wall and trade up to take Cam Ward," he says.
"Sure, do whatever you want!" Loomis replies as he does the Cotton Eye Joe.
Browns fans will be ready to hear Abdul Carter's name get called, but likely won't be too disappointed when they see Hunter's name flash across the screen instead. He's a better receiver than cornerback and that's what he'll play in Cleveland.
After seeing Carter is a Giant, Russell Wilson simply posts "BIG 11 LET'S GO."
Meanwhile, Jameis Winston posts a haiku:
"A great edge rusherWho I'm thankful won't hit meEat dubs N-Y-G"
Eliot Wolf makes a trade for Brandon Aiyuk that sends a Day Two and Day Three pick to the San Francisco 49ers to pair him with fellow former All-Pro Stefon Diggs. Mike Vrabel likes that he wears No. 11 because he's still upset about the A.J. Brown trade. Now that they have a No. 1 receiver, they take a tackle to protect Drake Maye.
James Gladstone holds a press conference where he talks about how it's actually good they traded their first-round pick because a superstar would make it harder for positional battles to take place between more evenly-matched players already on the roster.
Trade details:
The symbiote has taken over. Topher Grace Eddie Brock is kneeling in a church asking God to strike me dead as Andrew Berry looks at his two new walking licenses to print money coming to Cleveland from Colorado.
With his jaw on the floor after watching the Browns jump over the Raiders to take Sanders, Mark Davis is irate. A beautiful brunette woman who is later revealed to be a 25-year-old former SEC gymnast-turned-Instagram model brings Davis a Diet Coke to calm his nerves. She hands him the phone, and it's Jerry Jones. Davis can't understand 80 percent of the words Jones says with that thick Arkansas accent and just replies "Uhh sure," and the trade is complete.
Trade details:
Jones wants to draft Ashton Jeanty, but his son, Stephen, is adamant that they take McMillan to give Dak Prescott a very good No. 2 receiver opposite CeeDee Lamb. Jerry scolds Stephen before leaving to use the restroom. As Jerry leaves, Stephen quickly turns in the pick for McMillan and tells his rep to run to the podium as quickly as possible.
Trade details:
Jerry returns from the restroom just in time to see Roger Goodell announce that the Cowboys drafted McMillan. He furiously chucks a Red Bull can at Stephen before picking up the phone and calling Woody Johnson. In a stroke of genius, and in an attempt to appease his father, Stephen fires up Madden25 and changes Jonathan Mingo's overall to a 97. He takes a photo of it, sends it to the Jets' brass, and Johnson joyfully accepts.
"Idiots," Johnson murmurs to himself as he begins to chuckle.
Dave Canales figures that if worst comes to worst with Bryce Young, Warren can probably play quarterback.
"Well, we just got done trying to develop a quarterback with a big arm but questionable traits elsewhere," head coach Brian Callahan says. "What could be the polar opposite of that? How 'bout Jaxson Dart?"
Ben Johnson looks down at the Polaroid photo of Jahmyr Gibbs that he keeps in his wallet. A single tear falls from his cheek onto the photo.
"I'll always remember you," he whispers to the picture as he turns in the card to draft Hampton.
John Lynch and Kyle Shanahan continue to reiterate how confident they are in Brock Purdy in the ensuing press conference.
"We came into the draft with the mentality that we would take the best player available, and we felt that Will was the best player on the board," Shanahan says with a flat-brimmed cap shading his eyes.
Mark Davis now feels like he has to think outside the box. He thinks about how he has one GOAT by his side in Tom Brady. Now he needs to think like another GOAT who was perhaps even more cerebral than Brady - Michael Jordan.
"But what would MJ do?" Davis asks himself.
Then it hits him. Michael Jordan drafted Emeka Okafor in the first round of the 2004 NBA Draft (he actually didn't because Jordan didn't take over as majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats until 2010, but Davis doesn't know that).
"I'll draft my own Emeka," he says with his eyes lit up before getting the card turned in.
Mike McDaniel sits with four vapes in front of him. He just bought four new Geek Bars at the local 7-Eleven. He tries the cotton candy one.
"Eh, not bad," he says.
He tries the next one - grape.
"That's f**king awful," he says as he offers it to Stephen Ross, who looks at him in disbelief.
"Mike, we're on the clock, get your s**t together and let's figure out who to pick," Ross says in an irritated tone.
"Alright, bro, relax," McDaniel says. He sees Mel's best available flash across the screen, and the quarterbacks appear.
"Jalen Milroe ran how fast?" he exclaimed. Pulling a Juul out of his sock and hitting both the Juul and a Blue Raspberry flavored Geek Bar at the same time to get the ultimate nicotine buzz, McDaniel begins to hallucinate and see all the possibilities of running Milroe in motion as his third receiver.
Trade details:
Just when you thought the Texans were done trading away linemen, they trade Ed Ingram after just signing him in a package to trade up to get Campbell.
Terry Fontenot argued for drafting Riley Leonard for the shock value and having insurance behind Michael Penix and Kirk Cousins, but was overruled by Arthur Blank and Raheem Morris.
Kyler Murray asks Jonathan Gannon if Barron is a skin on the new season of Fortnite.
The Bengals are set to take another receiver when Trey Hendrickson walks in, rips the card in half, and threatens to sue the Bengals organization if they don't take a defender who can contribute. Now in a bind, Duke Tobin selects Green.
Mike Macdonald hangs up the phone after letting Pearce know he's going to be a Seahawk. He then looks over to his offensive coordinator Klint Kubiak, who is staring at him and doing the Drake & Josh meme of "Drake, where's the door?" Macdonald replies, "...you wanted that to be a receiver, didn't you?"
Jason Licht hangs up the phone after letting Burden know he's going to be a Buccaneer. He then looks over to his head coach Todd Bowles, who is staring at him and doing the Drake & Josh meme of "Drake, where's the door?" Licht replies, "...you wanted that to be a defensive player at any position, didn't you?"
Judkins gets to Denver for his introductory press conference. A jersey with his name and the No. 41 is waiting for him to hold up alongside general manager George Paton and head coach Sean Payton.
"Yeah, weird that they gave you 41," Payton says. "By the way, do you care if I call you Alvin?"
Aaron Rodgers is in the Steelers war room, sitting at a table with Omar Khan and Mike Tomlin.
"I think we should draft Jordy Nelson," Rodgers says. Tomlin and Khan share a confused glance.
"...Jordy retired in 2019," Tomlin says.
"And?" Rodgers replies. Khan speaks up.
"Aaron, we can't draft Jordy Nelson. But there is a white receiver whose name starts with a J in this class."
"Fine, but I'm not happy about it," Rodgers answers.
Jim Harbaugh and Greg Roman look at each other as the pick is announced.
"RUN THE BALL," they yell in unison as they laugh and hug.
Meanwhile, Justin Herbert's eye begins to twitch, knowing his receiving corps outside of Ladd McConkey is going to just be Quentin Johnston and an old Mike Williams.
You know what's better than four good receivers without a clear-cut No. 1? Five good receivers without a clear-cut No. 1.
Between a Jelly Roll concert and a Shane Gillis appearance on The Pat McAfee Show's coverage of the draft, Aaron Rodgers has enough time to leave the Steelers' war room and arrive in Minnesota, swinging the doors open to see if the Vikings want him. Kevin O'Connell lets him down easy, and they take a linebacker to put in the middle of Brian Flores' defense.
Chris Ballard looks across the table at Jim Irsay, who is sitting with a smile but not blinking. Ballard walks over, waves his hand in front of his face, and realizes Irsay trained himself to sleep with his eyes open.
"Oh, for the love of God," Ballard says. "Take the Georgia safety and let's get the hell out of here.
The Rams take race and NFL Network gets Sean McVay on the line, where he tells Rich Eisen about every play in Amos' career in sequential order, sounding like he just beer bonged 19 Five Hour Energies.
The Ravens lead Mark Andrews into a room like he's Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. He opens the door to see Goodell announce the Ravens' pick and tell him he's been traded to the Colts.
Upon arrival for his introductory press conference, Dan Campbell hands him a Lions hat, a play-sheet, and a headset.
"I'm gonna call you Ben," Campbell says.
Dan Quinn looks up and down his roster as the Commanders' time on the clock begins.
"Am I allowed to just draft someone who used to play for the Cowboys?" Quinn asks. Adam Peters quickly chimes in.
"No, no, we have enough old Cowboys, and I'm quite sure you can't draft DeMarcus Lawrence, he's a Seahawk. But there is an edge rusher from Texas A&M who is pretty good. That's close enough to Dallas."
Brandon Beane saw Restrepo run an hour-long 40 and knew right away that was his kind of receiver.
Brett Veach looks over at Andy Reid.
"There's no way Clyde Edwards-Helaire will happen again, right?"
Howie Roseman continues his genius draft strategy, which, verbatim, is as follows:
"Oh, he went to Georgia? Yeah, draft him."
Alright, I will now retire to by humble biome until the end of April. Of course, as soon as it's done, some sociopaths will be tempted to write up their way-too-early 2026 mock drafts - don't do that. Please.
This article originally appeared on Touchdown Wire: 2025 NFL mock draft: Crazy trades in our dumbest projections
Continue reading...
Full transparency - I hate mock drafts. I understand the need for them, especially when the NFL makes the mind-numbing decision to put it at the end of April almost two months after the NFL Combine, which then leads to accounts named NFLDraftRulez42069 to spend three days debating if a certain receiver is actually good because his 40-time was six hundredths of a second slower than he thought it would be.
So, as we continue to drag dreadfully slow to the 2025 NFL Draft, I'm allowing the darkness to take over like Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3. I've seen the words "Mock Draft" too many times, so I'm starting to wear all black, growing bangs, and gyrating my hips randomly in public to show how bad I am.
So, consider this my symbiote mock draft as I go a bit crazy. Let's get weird.
Round 1, Pick 1 - New Orleans Saints (from TEN): QB Cam Ward, Miami
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Trade details:
- Tennessee Titans receive: Nos. 9, 40, 184, 2026 second-round pick, 2026 fifth-round pick
- New Orleans Saints receive: No. 1
Mickey Loomis looks at the books and sees that he somehow gave the Saints $33 million in cap space. He begins to celebrate, and Kellen Moore siezes the moment.
"Mickey, let's just go balls to the wall and trade up to take Cam Ward," he says.
"Sure, do whatever you want!" Loomis replies as he does the Cotton Eye Joe.
Round 1, Pick 2 - Cleveland Browns: WR Travis Hunter, Colorado
Browns fans will be ready to hear Abdul Carter's name get called, but likely won't be too disappointed when they see Hunter's name flash across the screen instead. He's a better receiver than cornerback and that's what he'll play in Cleveland.
Round 1, Pick 3 - New York Giants: EDGE Abdul Carter
After seeing Carter is a Giant, Russell Wilson simply posts "BIG 11 LET'S GO."
Meanwhile, Jameis Winston posts a haiku:
"A great edge rusherWho I'm thankful won't hit meEat dubs N-Y-G"
Round 1, Pick 4 - New England Patriots: OT Armand Membou, Missouri
Eliot Wolf makes a trade for Brandon Aiyuk that sends a Day Two and Day Three pick to the San Francisco 49ers to pair him with fellow former All-Pro Stefon Diggs. Mike Vrabel likes that he wears No. 11 because he's still upset about the A.J. Brown trade. Now that they have a No. 1 receiver, they take a tackle to protect Drake Maye.
James Gladstone holds a press conference where he talks about how it's actually good they traded their first-round pick because a superstar would make it harder for positional battles to take place between more evenly-matched players already on the roster.
Round 1, Pick 5 - Cleveland Browns (from JAC): QB Shedeur Sanders, Colorado
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Trade details:
- Jacksonville Jaguars receive: Nos. 33, 87, 179, 2026 first-round pick, 2026 third-round pick
- Cleveland Browns receive: No. 5 overall pick
The symbiote has taken over. Topher Grace Eddie Brock is kneeling in a church asking God to strike me dead as Andrew Berry looks at his two new walking licenses to print money coming to Cleveland from Colorado.
With his jaw on the floor after watching the Browns jump over the Raiders to take Sanders, Mark Davis is irate. A beautiful brunette woman who is later revealed to be a 25-year-old former SEC gymnast-turned-Instagram model brings Davis a Diet Coke to calm his nerves. She hands him the phone, and it's Jerry Jones. Davis can't understand 80 percent of the words Jones says with that thick Arkansas accent and just replies "Uhh sure," and the trade is complete.
Round 1, Pick 6 - Dallas Cowboys (from LV): WR Tetairoa McMillan, Arizona
Trade details:
- Las Vegas Raiders receive: Nos. 12, 76, 171
- Dallas Cowboys receive: No. 6
Jones wants to draft Ashton Jeanty, but his son, Stephen, is adamant that they take McMillan to give Dak Prescott a very good No. 2 receiver opposite CeeDee Lamb. Jerry scolds Stephen before leaving to use the restroom. As Jerry leaves, Stephen quickly turns in the pick for McMillan and tells his rep to run to the podium as quickly as possible.
Round 1, Pick 7 - Dallas Cowboys (from NYJ): RB Ashton Jeanty, Boise State
Trade details:
- New York Jets receive: Nos. 44, 149, 174, 2026 first-round pick, WR Jonathan Mingo
- Dallas Cowboys receive: No. 7
Jerry returns from the restroom just in time to see Roger Goodell announce that the Cowboys drafted McMillan. He furiously chucks a Red Bull can at Stephen before picking up the phone and calling Woody Johnson. In a stroke of genius, and in an attempt to appease his father, Stephen fires up Madden25 and changes Jonathan Mingo's overall to a 97. He takes a photo of it, sends it to the Jets' brass, and Johnson joyfully accepts.
"Idiots," Johnson murmurs to himself as he begins to chuckle.
Round 1, Pick 8 - Carolina Panthers: TE Tyler Warren, Penn State
Dave Canales figures that if worst comes to worst with Bryce Young, Warren can probably play quarterback.
Round 1, Pick 9 - Tennessee Titans (from NO): QB Jaxson Dart, Ole Miss
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"Well, we just got done trying to develop a quarterback with a big arm but questionable traits elsewhere," head coach Brian Callahan says. "What could be the polar opposite of that? How 'bout Jaxson Dart?"
Round 1, Pick 10 - Chicago Bears: RB Omarion Hampton, North Carolina
Ben Johnson looks down at the Polaroid photo of Jahmyr Gibbs that he keeps in his wallet. A single tear falls from his cheek onto the photo.
"I'll always remember you," he whispers to the picture as he turns in the card to draft Hampton.
Round 1, Pick 11 - San Francisco 49ers: QB Will Howard, Ohio State
John Lynch and Kyle Shanahan continue to reiterate how confident they are in Brock Purdy in the ensuing press conference.
"We came into the draft with the mentality that we would take the best player available, and we felt that Will was the best player on the board," Shanahan says with a flat-brimmed cap shading his eyes.
Round 1, Pick 12 - Las Vegas Raiders (from DAL): WR Emeka Egbuka, Ohio State
Mark Davis now feels like he has to think outside the box. He thinks about how he has one GOAT by his side in Tom Brady. Now he needs to think like another GOAT who was perhaps even more cerebral than Brady - Michael Jordan.
"But what would MJ do?" Davis asks himself.
Then it hits him. Michael Jordan drafted Emeka Okafor in the first round of the 2004 NBA Draft (he actually didn't because Jordan didn't take over as majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats until 2010, but Davis doesn't know that).
"I'll draft my own Emeka," he says with his eyes lit up before getting the card turned in.
Round 1, Pick 13 - Miami Dolphins: QB Jalen Milroe, Alabama
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Mike McDaniel sits with four vapes in front of him. He just bought four new Geek Bars at the local 7-Eleven. He tries the cotton candy one.
"Eh, not bad," he says.
He tries the next one - grape.
"That's f**king awful," he says as he offers it to Stephen Ross, who looks at him in disbelief.
"Mike, we're on the clock, get your s**t together and let's figure out who to pick," Ross says in an irritated tone.
"Alright, bro, relax," McDaniel says. He sees Mel's best available flash across the screen, and the quarterbacks appear.
"Jalen Milroe ran how fast?" he exclaimed. Pulling a Juul out of his sock and hitting both the Juul and a Blue Raspberry flavored Geek Bar at the same time to get the ultimate nicotine buzz, McDaniel begins to hallucinate and see all the possibilities of running Milroe in motion as his third receiver.
Round 1, Pick 14 - Houston Texans: OT Will Campbell, LSU
Trade details:
- Indianapolis Colts receive: 2025 first-round pick (No. 25), 2025 third-round pick (No. 89), OL Ed Ingram
- Houston Texans receive: No. 14 pick
Just when you thought the Texans were done trading away linemen, they trade Ed Ingram after just signing him in a package to trade up to get Campbell.
Round 1, Pick 15 - Atlanta Falcons: DT Mason Graham, Michigan
Terry Fontenot argued for drafting Riley Leonard for the shock value and having insurance behind Michael Penix and Kirk Cousins, but was overruled by Arthur Blank and Raheem Morris.
Round 1, Pick 16 - Arizona Cardinals: CB Jahdae Barron, Texas
Kyler Murray asks Jonathan Gannon if Barron is a skin on the new season of Fortnite.
Round 1, Pick 17 - Cincinnati Bengals: EDGE Mike Green, Marshall
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The Bengals are set to take another receiver when Trey Hendrickson walks in, rips the card in half, and threatens to sue the Bengals organization if they don't take a defender who can contribute. Now in a bind, Duke Tobin selects Green.
Round 1, Pick 18 - Seattle Seahawks: EDGE James Pearce Jr., Tennessee
Mike Macdonald hangs up the phone after letting Pearce know he's going to be a Seahawk. He then looks over to his offensive coordinator Klint Kubiak, who is staring at him and doing the Drake & Josh meme of "Drake, where's the door?" Macdonald replies, "...you wanted that to be a receiver, didn't you?"
Round 1, Pick 19 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers: WR Luther Burden III, Missouri
Jason Licht hangs up the phone after letting Burden know he's going to be a Buccaneer. He then looks over to his head coach Todd Bowles, who is staring at him and doing the Drake & Josh meme of "Drake, where's the door?" Licht replies, "...you wanted that to be a defensive player at any position, didn't you?"
Round 1, Pick 20 - Denver Broncos: RB Quinshon Judkins, Ohio State
Judkins gets to Denver for his introductory press conference. A jersey with his name and the No. 41 is waiting for him to hold up alongside general manager George Paton and head coach Sean Payton.
"Yeah, weird that they gave you 41," Payton says. "By the way, do you care if I call you Alvin?"
Round 1, Pick 21 - Pittsburgh Steelers: WR Jack Bech, TCU
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Aaron Rodgers is in the Steelers war room, sitting at a table with Omar Khan and Mike Tomlin.
"I think we should draft Jordy Nelson," Rodgers says. Tomlin and Khan share a confused glance.
"...Jordy retired in 2019," Tomlin says.
"And?" Rodgers replies. Khan speaks up.
"Aaron, we can't draft Jordy Nelson. But there is a white receiver whose name starts with a J in this class."
"Fine, but I'm not happy about it," Rodgers answers.
Round 1, Pick 22 - Los Angeles Chargers: OT Grey Zabel, North Dakota State
Jim Harbaugh and Greg Roman look at each other as the pick is announced.
"RUN THE BALL," they yell in unison as they laugh and hug.
Meanwhile, Justin Herbert's eye begins to twitch, knowing his receiving corps outside of Ladd McConkey is going to just be Quentin Johnston and an old Mike Williams.
Round 1, Pick 23 - Green Bay Packers: WR Matthew Golden, Texas
You know what's better than four good receivers without a clear-cut No. 1? Five good receivers without a clear-cut No. 1.
Round 1, Pick 24 - Minnesota Vikings: LB Jihaad Campbell, Alabama
Between a Jelly Roll concert and a Shane Gillis appearance on The Pat McAfee Show's coverage of the draft, Aaron Rodgers has enough time to leave the Steelers' war room and arrive in Minnesota, swinging the doors open to see if the Vikings want him. Kevin O'Connell lets him down easy, and they take a linebacker to put in the middle of Brian Flores' defense.
Round 1, Pick 25 - Indianapolis Colts (from HOU): S Malakai Starks
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Chris Ballard looks across the table at Jim Irsay, who is sitting with a smile but not blinking. Ballard walks over, waves his hand in front of his face, and realizes Irsay trained himself to sleep with his eyes open.
"Oh, for the love of God," Ballard says. "Take the Georgia safety and let's get the hell out of here.
Round 1, Pick 26 - Los Angeles Rams: CB Trey Amos, Ole Miss
The Rams take race and NFL Network gets Sean McVay on the line, where he tells Rich Eisen about every play in Amos' career in sequential order, sounding like he just beer bonged 19 Five Hour Energies.
Round 1, Pick 27 - Baltimore Ravens: TE Colston Loveland, Michigan
The Ravens lead Mark Andrews into a room like he's Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. He opens the door to see Goodell announce the Ravens' pick and tell him he's been traded to the Colts.
Round 1, Pick 28 - Detroit Lions: CB Will Johnson, Michigan
Upon arrival for his introductory press conference, Dan Campbell hands him a Lions hat, a play-sheet, and a headset.
"I'm gonna call you Ben," Campbell says.
Round 1, Pick 29 - Washington Commanders: EDGE Shemar Stewart, Texas A&M
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Dan Quinn looks up and down his roster as the Commanders' time on the clock begins.
"Am I allowed to just draft someone who used to play for the Cowboys?" Quinn asks. Adam Peters quickly chimes in.
"No, no, we have enough old Cowboys, and I'm quite sure you can't draft DeMarcus Lawrence, he's a Seahawk. But there is an edge rusher from Texas A&M who is pretty good. That's close enough to Dallas."
Round 1, Pick 30 - Buffalo Bills: WR Xavier Restrepo, Miami
Brandon Beane saw Restrepo run an hour-long 40 and knew right away that was his kind of receiver.
Round 1, Pick 31 - Kansas City Chiefs: RB Cam Skattebo, Arizona State
Brett Veach looks over at Andy Reid.
"There's no way Clyde Edwards-Helaire will happen again, right?"
Round 1, Pick 32 - Philadelphia Eagles: EDGE Mykel Williams, Georgia
Howie Roseman continues his genius draft strategy, which, verbatim, is as follows:
"Oh, he went to Georgia? Yeah, draft him."
Alright, I will now retire to by humble biome until the end of April. Of course, as soon as it's done, some sociopaths will be tempted to write up their way-too-early 2026 mock drafts - don't do that. Please.
This article originally appeared on Touchdown Wire: 2025 NFL mock draft: Crazy trades in our dumbest projections
Continue reading...
