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Martin Brundle meets his match in the pit lane in Shanghai - X
The earth was without form, and void. And darkness was over the face of the deep, for it was international break weekend and there was no proper sport on the telly. No decent football, no decent cricket, no decent rugby and yet still so, so much sport: many hundreds of hours of programming, and yet hardly anything you would want to watch. Poor Martin Brundle being set upon by a unicorn was the most memorable moment.
By Sunday evening, you were crying out for something, for anything. An update on the job security of Ruud van Nistelrooy. Jamie Redknapp breaking his silence on Bournemouth. Something about Everton, even. But no. That mad American billionaire lad who wants to live forever should plug himself in front of British telly on an international weekend, that would jolt him out of it.
How were they filled then, these dreary hours, this long dark teatime of the soul? In large part, by marvelling at just how much live sporting action you can watch on TV if you are minded to, and minded to this column very much is.
Sunday morning, 0530 hours, Adelaide United Women v Brisbane Roar Women on TNT Sports 8. How many people are going to be watching that, deliberately at least? Is it a number bigger than zero? I say it was on at 5.30am but in fact a case of “what time can you get here, we’ll start it then”. In China, everyone drives around in formation for a bit and then McLaren win.
The BBC had acres of live sporting coverage on Sunday daytime. Never mind the quality, feel the width. In the morning on BBC2, indoor athletics – the second-best sort of athletics after outdoor athletics – and then a repeat of The Hairy Bikers’ Cookbook: Pies and Pasties, to get you in the mood for a rugger match. That was between England and Italy women and sorry to say, it’s back to la boarda di drawingo for the finest rugby ragazze from the Dolomites to Calabria. Very sad!
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England against Italy in the women’s Six Nations was predictably one-sided, with the former winning 38-5 - PA/Mike Egerton
On BBC1 at the same time, Women’s Super League football as Manchester City played Chelsea. What can you really say? It is good that it exists. It is right that it’s on the national broadcaster. You do not have to watch it. The player who scored City’s opener, a dribbling shot from inside the box that the keeper watched roll across the line, marked the moment with her take on Cristiano Ronaldo’s famous (famously annoying) leap and wide leg plant “Siu!” celebration. It is wholesome that the women’s game is absent of the tribalism that would spark a social media firestorm if a Man City bloke was cosplaying as a Man United icon. But the whole enterprise lacks bite, and it is nothing to do with the fact that the players are less explosive over 15 yards. It is because you cannot hate the Chelsea Women’s side (for instance) and take a spiteful pleasure in them losing, which as any true football fan knows, is the main reason to watch teams other than your own on the TV. Most of us have yet to form meaningful associations to, or anti, these distaff sporting entities so it all just washes over you.
The men’s rugby on at the weekend was not the real McCoy because it was missing the international players, although it should be said that the TNT coverage of rugby is really strong at the moment and if its parent company does continue its broadcast rights land-grab then rugger viewers will be well served, albeit at a price. There was IPL cricket but, see above, it is hard to really get behind the New Delhi Air Fryers or the Royal Mumbai Silverfish: guns for hire, plus fireworks. Woo. Ahh. Give me four days in the April sleet at New Road Worcester any day. Pakistan were playing New Zealand in a T20 international, again on TNT, but that is the sort of match which is hard to really care about unless you have had a bet.
Also this weekend: Tactics Tim Sherwood saying England will have failed if they do not win the World Cup. Biathlon skiing. Snowboarding. Televised triathlon, featuring that rather intense, recently divorced man from accounts. Video games on Sky Sports Premier League. Lesser tournaments in snooker, darts and golf. Racing from Carlisle, Exeter, Limerick and Naas. The Scotland national football team. All told, too much of a not very good thing. Come back Gary Neville, all is forgiven.
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