Yuma
Suns are my Kryptonite!
"We'll call it Shaqizona
Suns need LA's big fella . . . at any price
Jun. 21, 2004 12:00 AM
SIZZLIN'
OK, so we can all forget about Kobe Bryant signing as a free agent with the Suns this summer.
He's not leaving Los Angeles. Not now. Lakers owner Jerry Buss made it clear that Kobe is his guy when he jettisoned coach Phil Jackson, who had the support of Shaquille O'Neal.
And now O'Neal reportedly has asked to be traded.
Yes, Bryant exercised an option to become a free agent, but he's not leaving. He's just going to get more years and more money out of his power play.
So let the Lakers have him. Let's get Shaq. Let's put an end to the Suns' 3 1/2 decades of center envy. Plus, Shaq will be a lot more fun than Kobe, and he doesn't have that possible jail term to worry about.
OK, it's a long shot.
But the Suns are way below the NBA's salary cap. That has just as many benefits in trade scenarios as it does in hunting free agents.
Maybe there's a way to take on O'Neal's $29.46 million deal next year and the $32.41 million the next season.
Most speculation centers on O'Neal going back to Orlando, where he started his NBA career and still owns a house big enough even for a 7-foot-1, 340-pound dude with Size 22 shoes.
But we're not ready to give up easily.
CHILLIN'
A modest proposal
So how do we get this done when you know Dallas owner Mark Cuban is probably already offering the world?
First, any combination of players and draft picks have to be on the table. We love Amaré Stoudemire, but c'mon, for Shaq? Everybody is available.
Second, we've got to convince Shaq this is where he should be so he can put some pressure on the Lakers. We figure Steve Kerr, who is part of the new ownership group, can help with this. He was a teammate of O'Neal's in Orlando.
Second, there has to be assurances of a long-term extension, whatever it costs.
Then we've got to get creative, so he knows we really want him.
Here's what we suggest:
• Bank One Ballpark needs a new name because of the merger between Bank One and J.P. Morgan and Chase.
We suggest "The Love Shaq."
True, it doesn't include the name of the new bank, but Shaq has more money than both banks combined.
• Carve his mug into Camelback Mountain and rename it Mt. Shaqmore. It might mean knocking down a couple of those old vacation homes up there. Fire up the bulldozer.
• Shaq has always had an interest in law enforcement, so we'll make him an official Maricopa County sheriff's Deputy.
We'll let him drive the tank, throw in a tailor-made uniform, cuffs, a can of pepper spray and, of course, a wraparound terry-cloth towel with a quick-drop Velcro fastener for those "undercover" operations the deputies have made famous.
• An honorary degree from Arizona State. He likes to call himself The Big Aristotle, so we'll make it a doctorate in philosophy. The Big Ph.D.
• We'll promise never to mention his free-throw shooting, weight, bad rap albums or box-office disasters again.
• Give him his own menu item at Majerle's Sports Grill.
Yes, that Ring of Honor thing at America West Arena is cool, but you know you've really made it big when you're on Majerle's menu, like Joe Kleine.
We suggest the Baby-Shaq Ribs.
• Arizona Department of Transportation will designate a "Shaq Only" lane on the 51, so he can whiz right through the Dreamy Draw during rush-hour traffic.
Come to think of it, let's just rename that stretch of road altogether.
Call it the "Hey, We Can Dream Draw.""
Suns need LA's big fella . . . at any price
Jun. 21, 2004 12:00 AM
SIZZLIN'
OK, so we can all forget about Kobe Bryant signing as a free agent with the Suns this summer.
He's not leaving Los Angeles. Not now. Lakers owner Jerry Buss made it clear that Kobe is his guy when he jettisoned coach Phil Jackson, who had the support of Shaquille O'Neal.
And now O'Neal reportedly has asked to be traded.
Yes, Bryant exercised an option to become a free agent, but he's not leaving. He's just going to get more years and more money out of his power play.
So let the Lakers have him. Let's get Shaq. Let's put an end to the Suns' 3 1/2 decades of center envy. Plus, Shaq will be a lot more fun than Kobe, and he doesn't have that possible jail term to worry about.
OK, it's a long shot.
But the Suns are way below the NBA's salary cap. That has just as many benefits in trade scenarios as it does in hunting free agents.
Maybe there's a way to take on O'Neal's $29.46 million deal next year and the $32.41 million the next season.
Most speculation centers on O'Neal going back to Orlando, where he started his NBA career and still owns a house big enough even for a 7-foot-1, 340-pound dude with Size 22 shoes.
But we're not ready to give up easily.
CHILLIN'
A modest proposal
So how do we get this done when you know Dallas owner Mark Cuban is probably already offering the world?
First, any combination of players and draft picks have to be on the table. We love Amaré Stoudemire, but c'mon, for Shaq? Everybody is available.
Second, we've got to convince Shaq this is where he should be so he can put some pressure on the Lakers. We figure Steve Kerr, who is part of the new ownership group, can help with this. He was a teammate of O'Neal's in Orlando.
Second, there has to be assurances of a long-term extension, whatever it costs.
Then we've got to get creative, so he knows we really want him.
Here's what we suggest:
• Bank One Ballpark needs a new name because of the merger between Bank One and J.P. Morgan and Chase.
We suggest "The Love Shaq."
True, it doesn't include the name of the new bank, but Shaq has more money than both banks combined.
• Carve his mug into Camelback Mountain and rename it Mt. Shaqmore. It might mean knocking down a couple of those old vacation homes up there. Fire up the bulldozer.
• Shaq has always had an interest in law enforcement, so we'll make him an official Maricopa County sheriff's Deputy.
We'll let him drive the tank, throw in a tailor-made uniform, cuffs, a can of pepper spray and, of course, a wraparound terry-cloth towel with a quick-drop Velcro fastener for those "undercover" operations the deputies have made famous.
• An honorary degree from Arizona State. He likes to call himself The Big Aristotle, so we'll make it a doctorate in philosophy. The Big Ph.D.
• We'll promise never to mention his free-throw shooting, weight, bad rap albums or box-office disasters again.
• Give him his own menu item at Majerle's Sports Grill.
Yes, that Ring of Honor thing at America West Arena is cool, but you know you've really made it big when you're on Majerle's menu, like Joe Kleine.
We suggest the Baby-Shaq Ribs.
• Arizona Department of Transportation will designate a "Shaq Only" lane on the 51, so he can whiz right through the Dreamy Draw during rush-hour traffic.
Come to think of it, let's just rename that stretch of road altogether.
Call it the "Hey, We Can Dream Draw.""
