It’s that time of year again! Of course, I’m referring my annual trek to Humboldt County’s Super Sour Diesel Festival for some much-deserved r&r. But I digress. As usual, I have spent hours and hours pouring over the myriad of sites dedicated to identifying every team’s perfect “fit.” That’s why this “year” you’ll see a “certain” “theme” emerge. And, no, it’s not an “excessive” “overuse” of “quotation” marks.
For those of you reading this post at work - shame on you! Get back to work! But since this warning will not deter a reprobate such as yourself (or any other Cardinal fan, for that matter) please be aware that some of these pictures may be considered NSFW. Unless you work at the Sapphire Gentlemen's Club, of course.
1) Cleveland Browns - In what is as much a tradition as jefftheshark’s sporadic annual mock draft, Cleveland once again has the first pick in this year’s extravaganza. The Browns, better known as the league’s most dyslexic team, will not take the position acknowledged to be their most desperate need. Rather than taking the top BQ in the draft, they’ll take a back running.
2) NY Giants - Is Eli done? I’m thinking not because he wasn’t traded to the Cardinals - the elephant graveyard of NFL quarterbacks. That being said, Giants fans will soon be going through the two-headed monster situation we suffered in 2010. Remember FFL’ers when every week you had to make the excruciating decision whether to start Max Hall or John Skelton? Yeow. Although to be honest, I’m thinking the choice between these two will be a bit easier:
Or perhaps not.
3) Indianapolis Colts - Here is a team that is blessed to have a great quarterback situation, if you consider having a pro bowl talent sitting in the rehab room as a “blessing.” My prediction is for them to take this year’s best defensive prospect, a 3-stance workout warrior who has the ability to get low, hang in there and create a push under the pads:
4) Cleveland Browns - Hello! How did this happen? If JTS was a conspiracy nut then he’d wonder how in the hell can one team get 2 picks in the first 4? He’d also wonder why he refers to himself in the 3rd person. Anyway, my guess is the Cleveland “Luca Brasi’s” surprise everyone and select Josh Allen, whose career will be sleeping with one of these (you have a 50/50 chance of being correct whatever ever you select):
5) Denver Broncos - It’s time for an offensive lineman to be selected. Why? How in the hell do I know? I mean they’re set at QB with Case Keenum, right? It is easy to see how they’d feel they’re set with a career backup, even in the most QB deep draft in recent memory. But sometimes a guard comes around that you’ll give up everything to draft (**cough**Cooper**cough**) At least this pick has an awesome bubble:
6) J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! - Once you’re a jet, you’re a jet all your life. As opposed to a Shark, which still pisses the hell out of JTS. Anyway, there’s a really great reason why they make this particular selection at “6” - but you’ll probably need a few moments to figure out why:
7) Tampa Bay Bucs - When you lead the league in TD’s given up through the air, you know it’s time to get yourself a great DB. I have no idea if the Bucs fit this category, but those of you who do not double check things like this will believe it anyway. A good DB needs great hips, blinding speed and the ability to not be easily distracted.
8) Chicago Bears - Chicago is well-known for many things. The wind, for one thing, and awesome brats for another. It’s also a great place to get shot. Thus, pick number 8 is a wide receiver with a “can-do” attitude. Plus a great "pocket" for tucking the pigskin away.
9) Las Vegas Raiders (c’mon, they’re building the damn stadium after all) - The Raiders have a lot going on for them to be picking this high in the draft. So it’s tougher to discover what holes they need to fill (having re-read the last sentence even JTS is nervous about where this is going). Anyway, this Linebacker pick is based on their selection’s “love of the game” and the ability to lick whatever comes their way.
10) San Francisco 49’ers - Not to get political, but this scumbag of a team will try to overcome their justly deserved reputation of poor decision making with this next selection. Note: You might need to think about this one.
11) Miami Dolphins - Looking to bolster their “D” the Fins reach for front seven help. Realizing that strength is never overrated, they select this amazing specimen who has two outstanding points in their favor.
12) Buffalo Bills - You can never have enough strength on the offensive line. It’s always a plus when you find a special player who can “pump up the crowd” as well.
13) Washington Redskins - Their nickname is politically incorrect, but what the hell - so is JTS. The 'Skins go for a player who excels in cold weather conditions.
14) Green Bay Packers - The Cheesegraters need a player who can overcome the opposition’s “road grader.” They select a DE with the wheels and strength to do just that.
15) Arizona Cardinals - History has proven that with this wacky bunch, you never know what direction they’re planning to go. That is why, contrary to popular belief, sometimes history is best forgotten. For a great example, JTS presents the next crowd-pleasing pick. For if ever there was a reason to do poorly in history and need to repeat, it is this:
Well, that's all for this season, see you next year and best of luck to us all!
JTS
For those of you reading this post at work - shame on you! Get back to work! But since this warning will not deter a reprobate such as yourself (or any other Cardinal fan, for that matter) please be aware that some of these pictures may be considered NSFW. Unless you work at the Sapphire Gentlemen's Club, of course.
1) Cleveland Browns - In what is as much a tradition as jefftheshark’s sporadic annual mock draft, Cleveland once again has the first pick in this year’s extravaganza. The Browns, better known as the league’s most dyslexic team, will not take the position acknowledged to be their most desperate need. Rather than taking the top BQ in the draft, they’ll take a back running.
You must be registered for see images
2) NY Giants - Is Eli done? I’m thinking not because he wasn’t traded to the Cardinals - the elephant graveyard of NFL quarterbacks. That being said, Giants fans will soon be going through the two-headed monster situation we suffered in 2010. Remember FFL’ers when every week you had to make the excruciating decision whether to start Max Hall or John Skelton? Yeow. Although to be honest, I’m thinking the choice between these two will be a bit easier:
You must be registered for see images
Or perhaps not.
3) Indianapolis Colts - Here is a team that is blessed to have a great quarterback situation, if you consider having a pro bowl talent sitting in the rehab room as a “blessing.” My prediction is for them to take this year’s best defensive prospect, a 3-stance workout warrior who has the ability to get low, hang in there and create a push under the pads:
You must be registered for see images attach
4) Cleveland Browns - Hello! How did this happen? If JTS was a conspiracy nut then he’d wonder how in the hell can one team get 2 picks in the first 4? He’d also wonder why he refers to himself in the 3rd person. Anyway, my guess is the Cleveland “Luca Brasi’s” surprise everyone and select Josh Allen, whose career will be sleeping with one of these (you have a 50/50 chance of being correct whatever ever you select):
You must be registered for see images attach
5) Denver Broncos - It’s time for an offensive lineman to be selected. Why? How in the hell do I know? I mean they’re set at QB with Case Keenum, right? It is easy to see how they’d feel they’re set with a career backup, even in the most QB deep draft in recent memory. But sometimes a guard comes around that you’ll give up everything to draft (**cough**Cooper**cough**) At least this pick has an awesome bubble:
You must be registered for see images attach
6) J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! - Once you’re a jet, you’re a jet all your life. As opposed to a Shark, which still pisses the hell out of JTS. Anyway, there’s a really great reason why they make this particular selection at “6” - but you’ll probably need a few moments to figure out why:
You must be registered for see images
7) Tampa Bay Bucs - When you lead the league in TD’s given up through the air, you know it’s time to get yourself a great DB. I have no idea if the Bucs fit this category, but those of you who do not double check things like this will believe it anyway. A good DB needs great hips, blinding speed and the ability to not be easily distracted.
You must be registered for see images attach
8) Chicago Bears - Chicago is well-known for many things. The wind, for one thing, and awesome brats for another. It’s also a great place to get shot. Thus, pick number 8 is a wide receiver with a “can-do” attitude. Plus a great "pocket" for tucking the pigskin away.
You must be registered for see images attach
9) Las Vegas Raiders (c’mon, they’re building the damn stadium after all) - The Raiders have a lot going on for them to be picking this high in the draft. So it’s tougher to discover what holes they need to fill (having re-read the last sentence even JTS is nervous about where this is going). Anyway, this Linebacker pick is based on their selection’s “love of the game” and the ability to lick whatever comes their way.
You must be registered for see images attach
10) San Francisco 49’ers - Not to get political, but this scumbag of a team will try to overcome their justly deserved reputation of poor decision making with this next selection. Note: You might need to think about this one.
You must be registered for see images attach
11) Miami Dolphins - Looking to bolster their “D” the Fins reach for front seven help. Realizing that strength is never overrated, they select this amazing specimen who has two outstanding points in their favor.
You must be registered for see images attach
12) Buffalo Bills - You can never have enough strength on the offensive line. It’s always a plus when you find a special player who can “pump up the crowd” as well.
You must be registered for see images attach
13) Washington Redskins - Their nickname is politically incorrect, but what the hell - so is JTS. The 'Skins go for a player who excels in cold weather conditions.
You must be registered for see images attach
14) Green Bay Packers - The Cheesegraters need a player who can overcome the opposition’s “road grader.” They select a DE with the wheels and strength to do just that.
You must be registered for see images
15) Arizona Cardinals - History has proven that with this wacky bunch, you never know what direction they’re planning to go. That is why, contrary to popular belief, sometimes history is best forgotten. For a great example, JTS presents the next crowd-pleasing pick. For if ever there was a reason to do poorly in history and need to repeat, it is this:
You must be registered for see images attach
Well, that's all for this season, see you next year and best of luck to us all!
JTS
JTS pure greatness! 
