BACH
Superbowl, Homeboy!
After knocking out 12 full-blown analyses of the 12 worst franchises in the NFL over the first 12 days of July, we're relieved to finally scrape the bottom of the league's barrel of top 20 teams.
And as easy as it was for us to pinpoint each and every member of our Dirty Dozen, we've struggled in identifying the team that we regard as the worst of the remainders.
We considered several possibilities. The Eagles. The Cardinals. The Ravens. The Chiefs. Even the Jaguars.
But then it hit us. Like . . . like . . . like a badly overthrown pass from an overhyped quarterback who can't pass from the pocket.
The Atlanta Falcons.
Yeah, they made it to the NFC championship two years ago. But they didn't even qualify for the postseason in 2005, limping to a 5-7 finish after a 3-1 start -- and dropping four out of five down the stretch.
Most significantly, the Falcons were 0-4 against their primary rivals from the NFC South, Tampa and Carolina. And while Atlanta lost narrowly twice to the Bucs, the Falcons were filleted by the Panthers, outscored to the tune of 68-17 in two games.
The root of the problem is quarterback Michael Vick. He's not a real leader, in our opinion. Never will be.
He won't be a leader because he's never been expected to lead. Instead, he's merely been expected to dazzle with his incredible God-given skills, and he's constantly had his crotch nuzzled (maybe not the best choice of words, given the whole Ron Mexico thing) for his ability to run out of trouble and make defenders look like Keystone Cops full of Krispy Kremes.
We've heard that part of the problem is that Vick isn't as tall as advertised, and thus can't see over the wall of blockers and those trying to get past them. Regardless of the reason, these Falcons will never get to the Super Bowl without 53 tickets.
And it could be that the front office and coaching staff are starting to figure it out. After all, the new quarterbacks coach, Bill Musgrave, is the guy who helped turn Matt Schaub into a Heisman candidate at the University of Virginia.
Musgrave replaces Mike Johnson, whom Vick wasn't happy to lose. "It hurts me to see him go," Vick said in January. "I wish we could've kept him around. I don't know why he's gone, but that decision was made, and it's just something I've got to deal with."
Indeed, there were rumblings earlier this year that Vick wants out of Atlanta, and there's a feeling that the sentiment could be mutual. The Falcons, after all, resisted opportunities to trade Schaub in the offseason, and he'll be eligible for restricted free agency in 2007.
And regarding those rumors of a rift between Vick and head coach Jim Mora? Mora got a three-year extension in the offseason, which suggests that if the two get into a tug-o-war, Mora will be yanking Mike into the mud.
Our guess? If the Falcons tank again, it very well could be bye-bye for Vick, who'd be a perfect fit for the Raiders. And pretty much no one else.
Is it blasphemy to suggest that a superstar who serves as the face of a franchise might make a premature exit? It used to be. But that was before Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper proved that even the longest-term deals can become short-term arrangements if both sides aren't fully committed to the relationship.
Apart from Vick, the Falcons don't look much different than they did in 2005. Wayne Gandy replaces Kevin Shaffer at left tackle, but the rest of the offensive line returns. Roddy White and Michael Jenkins are the top two wide receivers, who do more widing than receiving in the Valtrex offense. Warrick Dunn and T.J. Duckett (we almost had a very unfortunate typo on that one) are the tailbacks, and Justin Griffith is the fullback.
But the key is still Alge Crumpler, who is the Mike Vick safety valve, primarily since he's one of the few pass-catchers that Vick can see.
The big additions on defense are end John Abraham and safeties Lawyer Milloy and Chris Crocker. First-round rookie Jimmy Williams will get a shot at serving as the nickel corner.
In all, the team isn't that much different. But given the 8-8 record of a year ago, that's not necessarily a good thing. We don't think the team has done enough to get back to the top of the conference -- primarily because the Falcons won't be able to get back to the top of their division.
Okay. Fantasy grade time.
Quarterback: In 2004, Vick performed like a running back who throws passes on the side. He rushed for more than 900 yards and three scores and threw for 2,313 yards and threw nearly as many picks (12) as touchdown passes (14). In 2005, he was pretty much the same, but with more than 300 fewer rushing yards and twice the rushing touchdowns. So, in selecting a quarterback, we prefer to go with a real one.
Running back: Dunn had the most rushing yards of his career in 2005, but managed only three touchdowns on the ground. With T.J. Duckett falling farther out of favor and Dunn showing no signs of wearing down, he gets a solid B for 2006.
Wide receiver: Roddy White could be a breakout player in 2006. If Michael Vick tears an ACL in August. Ditto for Michael Jenkins. As long as Vick is healthy, avoid either guy.
Tight end: Alge Crumpler is one of the top tight ends in the league, but we'd keep an eye on him in light of recently-disclosed shoulder surgery. If healthy -- and if Vick is the quarterback -- Crumpler's 65 receptions, 877 yards, and five touchdowns from 2005 gives him a solid B as tight ends go.
Defense: Even with the new additions, we don't see the Falcons improving much on the performance in 2005 that left them as the 22nd-ranked defensive unit. Still, the presence of speedster DeAngelo Hall and the disruptive Abraham could generate some touchdowns. They're above the "crapshoot" category, but not in the upper echelon.
Kicker: We don't see the Falcons scoring many more points in 2006, which means that newcomer Zac Derr won't get many chances. If Zac Derr makes the team. Look elsewhere
And as easy as it was for us to pinpoint each and every member of our Dirty Dozen, we've struggled in identifying the team that we regard as the worst of the remainders.
We considered several possibilities. The Eagles. The Cardinals. The Ravens. The Chiefs. Even the Jaguars.
But then it hit us. Like . . . like . . . like a badly overthrown pass from an overhyped quarterback who can't pass from the pocket.
The Atlanta Falcons.
Yeah, they made it to the NFC championship two years ago. But they didn't even qualify for the postseason in 2005, limping to a 5-7 finish after a 3-1 start -- and dropping four out of five down the stretch.
Most significantly, the Falcons were 0-4 against their primary rivals from the NFC South, Tampa and Carolina. And while Atlanta lost narrowly twice to the Bucs, the Falcons were filleted by the Panthers, outscored to the tune of 68-17 in two games.
The root of the problem is quarterback Michael Vick. He's not a real leader, in our opinion. Never will be.
He won't be a leader because he's never been expected to lead. Instead, he's merely been expected to dazzle with his incredible God-given skills, and he's constantly had his crotch nuzzled (maybe not the best choice of words, given the whole Ron Mexico thing) for his ability to run out of trouble and make defenders look like Keystone Cops full of Krispy Kremes.
We've heard that part of the problem is that Vick isn't as tall as advertised, and thus can't see over the wall of blockers and those trying to get past them. Regardless of the reason, these Falcons will never get to the Super Bowl without 53 tickets.
And it could be that the front office and coaching staff are starting to figure it out. After all, the new quarterbacks coach, Bill Musgrave, is the guy who helped turn Matt Schaub into a Heisman candidate at the University of Virginia.
Musgrave replaces Mike Johnson, whom Vick wasn't happy to lose. "It hurts me to see him go," Vick said in January. "I wish we could've kept him around. I don't know why he's gone, but that decision was made, and it's just something I've got to deal with."
Indeed, there were rumblings earlier this year that Vick wants out of Atlanta, and there's a feeling that the sentiment could be mutual. The Falcons, after all, resisted opportunities to trade Schaub in the offseason, and he'll be eligible for restricted free agency in 2007.
And regarding those rumors of a rift between Vick and head coach Jim Mora? Mora got a three-year extension in the offseason, which suggests that if the two get into a tug-o-war, Mora will be yanking Mike into the mud.
Our guess? If the Falcons tank again, it very well could be bye-bye for Vick, who'd be a perfect fit for the Raiders. And pretty much no one else.
Is it blasphemy to suggest that a superstar who serves as the face of a franchise might make a premature exit? It used to be. But that was before Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper proved that even the longest-term deals can become short-term arrangements if both sides aren't fully committed to the relationship.
Apart from Vick, the Falcons don't look much different than they did in 2005. Wayne Gandy replaces Kevin Shaffer at left tackle, but the rest of the offensive line returns. Roddy White and Michael Jenkins are the top two wide receivers, who do more widing than receiving in the Valtrex offense. Warrick Dunn and T.J. Duckett (we almost had a very unfortunate typo on that one) are the tailbacks, and Justin Griffith is the fullback.
But the key is still Alge Crumpler, who is the Mike Vick safety valve, primarily since he's one of the few pass-catchers that Vick can see.
The big additions on defense are end John Abraham and safeties Lawyer Milloy and Chris Crocker. First-round rookie Jimmy Williams will get a shot at serving as the nickel corner.
In all, the team isn't that much different. But given the 8-8 record of a year ago, that's not necessarily a good thing. We don't think the team has done enough to get back to the top of the conference -- primarily because the Falcons won't be able to get back to the top of their division.
Okay. Fantasy grade time.
Quarterback: In 2004, Vick performed like a running back who throws passes on the side. He rushed for more than 900 yards and three scores and threw for 2,313 yards and threw nearly as many picks (12) as touchdown passes (14). In 2005, he was pretty much the same, but with more than 300 fewer rushing yards and twice the rushing touchdowns. So, in selecting a quarterback, we prefer to go with a real one.
Running back: Dunn had the most rushing yards of his career in 2005, but managed only three touchdowns on the ground. With T.J. Duckett falling farther out of favor and Dunn showing no signs of wearing down, he gets a solid B for 2006.
Wide receiver: Roddy White could be a breakout player in 2006. If Michael Vick tears an ACL in August. Ditto for Michael Jenkins. As long as Vick is healthy, avoid either guy.
Tight end: Alge Crumpler is one of the top tight ends in the league, but we'd keep an eye on him in light of recently-disclosed shoulder surgery. If healthy -- and if Vick is the quarterback -- Crumpler's 65 receptions, 877 yards, and five touchdowns from 2005 gives him a solid B as tight ends go.
Defense: Even with the new additions, we don't see the Falcons improving much on the performance in 2005 that left them as the 22nd-ranked defensive unit. Still, the presence of speedster DeAngelo Hall and the disruptive Abraham could generate some touchdowns. They're above the "crapshoot" category, but not in the upper echelon.
Kicker: We don't see the Falcons scoring many more points in 2006, which means that newcomer Zac Derr won't get many chances. If Zac Derr makes the team. Look elsewhere
