SECTION 11
vibraslap
1) tell me some good news, or 2) tell me a joke.
Please either...
- Thread starter SECTION 11
- Start date
Dan H
ASFN Addict
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, hey buddy, why the long face?
A baby seal walks into a club.
A guy walks into a bar. A sign behind the counter reads "Cheese sandwhiches $5, Hand jobs $10." The man says, "Excuse me, miss, are you the lady that gives the hand jobs?" The bartender says, "Yes, I am." The guy says, "Well wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwhich!"
A baby seal walks into a club.
A guy walks into a bar. A sign behind the counter reads "Cheese sandwhiches $5, Hand jobs $10." The man says, "Excuse me, miss, are you the lady that gives the hand jobs?" The bartender says, "Yes, I am." The guy says, "Well wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwhich!"
green machine
I rule at posting
Go
Once upon a time there were two flies living happily together on a toilet seat. Then one day one of them got pissed off.
________
Lamborghini Diablo Gt Specifications
Once upon a time there were two flies living happily together on a toilet seat. Then one day one of them got pissed off.
________
Lamborghini Diablo Gt Specifications
Last edited:
SunCityCarl
Hall of Famer
Well Sect you gotta say it these guys stepped up... How about this for good news Colvin or Kordell haven't signed with anyone else..... yet!
OP
OP
SECTION 11
vibraslap
where in England are you outcent?
LVCARDFREAK
In the league 20 years!
Mushroom walks into a bar, orders a drink
Bartender says we dont serve your kind here
mushrooms says why not I'm a "fun-guy"
Bartender says we dont serve your kind here
mushrooms says why not I'm a "fun-guy"
OP
OP
SECTION 11
vibraslap
If you've ever been to France, raise your hand.
If you are French, raise both hands.
If you are French, raise both hands.
OP
OP
SECTION 11
vibraslap
Isn't that near Manchester? A guy on our soccer team is from Man.
So, we're practically related.
Two guys walk into a bar, which is pretty stupid because you'd think the second guy would have seen the first guy walk into it.
Mike
Mike
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
The Texan, the Californian, and the Arizonan
A Texan, a Californian, and an Arizonan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long swig, then another, and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.
The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.
The Arizonan can't believe this and says, "What the heck did you do that for??? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!"
The Californian says "In California, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later, the Arizonan pulls out a bottle of tequila. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Californian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"
The Arizonan replied, "In Arizona we have plenty of Californians, and bottles are worth a nickel."
A Texan, a Californian, and an Arizonan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long swig, then another, and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.
The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.
The Arizonan can't believe this and says, "What the heck did you do that for??? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!"
The Californian says "In California, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later, the Arizonan pulls out a bottle of tequila. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Californian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"
The Arizonan replied, "In Arizona we have plenty of Californians, and bottles are worth a nickel."
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 38,826
- Reaction score
- 26,142
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. She should already have it open.
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...".
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...".
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
At a party, the host suddenly introduces his beautiful daughter. The other male guests turn and look at her, and see that she is drop dead gorgeous. The host then says, "I will let any man have my daughter for as long as he likes if he can swim to the other side of my swimming pool." He points to the pool, which is filled with sharks and crocodiles.
A lot of the men wimp out straight off, but one steps forward and dives in the pool. He does not get a quarter of the way before the sharks rip him up and eat him.
"Anyone else?" challenges the host, "For a night with my beautiful daughter?"
Another steps up to the side of the pool after he takes another look at the daughter. He dives in and swims, he only gets halfway along before the crocodiles catch him and tear him to pieces.
None of the other men have the heart to try after that. The host looks smugly at his beautiful daughter, and then suddenly there is a splash. The guests look and see a man swimming rapidly to the other side of the pool. He evades the sharks and crocodiles and makes it to the other side.
"Congratulations!" shouts the host. "You can now have sex with my daughter as much as you like."
The man says, "To hell with your daughter, I just want the son of a bitch that pushed me into the pool!"
A lot of the men wimp out straight off, but one steps forward and dives in the pool. He does not get a quarter of the way before the sharks rip him up and eat him.
"Anyone else?" challenges the host, "For a night with my beautiful daughter?"
Another steps up to the side of the pool after he takes another look at the daughter. He dives in and swims, he only gets halfway along before the crocodiles catch him and tear him to pieces.
None of the other men have the heart to try after that. The host looks smugly at his beautiful daughter, and then suddenly there is a splash. The guests look and see a man swimming rapidly to the other side of the pool. He evades the sharks and crocodiles and makes it to the other side.
"Congratulations!" shouts the host. "You can now have sex with my daughter as much as you like."
The man says, "To hell with your daughter, I just want the son of a bitch that pushed me into the pool!"
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
An Irishman named Murray went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murray in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you .... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murray shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murray said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murray's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murray told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...
He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends. "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murray their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murray's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murray said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them screwing your mother after I'm gone!"
Murray shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murray said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murray's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murray told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...
He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends. "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murray their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murray's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murray said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them screwing your mother after I'm gone!"
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
The zoo was not very busy this particular morning. As the couple walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He tells his wife: "Honey.. why don't you do to him what you always do to me?" So the woman puckers her lips, wiggles her bottom at him, and plays along. Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then she lets one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. Mr.Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. She then lifts her dress up her thighs....This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
The husband suddenly grabs wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He tells his wife: "Honey.. why don't you do to him what you always do to me?" So the woman puckers her lips, wiggles her bottom at him, and plays along. Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then she lets one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. Mr.Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. She then lifts her dress up her thighs....This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
The husband suddenly grabs wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F--- Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F--- Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
My apologies to anyone from Alabama, Arkansas, West Virginia, and Kentucky...you'll see why in a minute.
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....
Also works in Arkansas, West Virginia and Kentucky.
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....
Also works in Arkansas, West Virginia and Kentucky.
OP
OP
SECTION 11
vibraslap
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
Three men enter heaven at the same time and St. Peter tells them to sit down and tell how they died.
First guys says, "Well, I wasn't feeling good so I came home from work early. My wife and me had been fighting a lot, so when I opened the door of our high rise apartment and found her naked, I became enraged. I just knew she was messing around on me, so I start tearing through the apartment. Under the bed, in the closets, I looked everywhere!
So, I go out onto our balacany to have a smoke and calm down. And that's when I see these two hands hanging off balcany. I got so pissed I just started smashing them until he let go. But the bastard landed in some bushes and broke his fall.
Furious, I ran into the house, yanked the refrigerator from the wall, and threw it off the balcany onto him.
Only the cord caught my collar and pulled me over with it. And that's how I died.
"Wow," Peter says, and points to the second guy. "How about you?"
And the second guy says, "Well, I was just home one day, drinking brandy and having some fun. I went outside on my balcany to look at the sky, started leaning over the rail, lost my balance and fell over!
"Well, lucky son of a bitch that I am, I managed to grab hold of a rails a few apartments down. So, I'm sitting there, catching my breath when some maniac starts bounding on my fingers until I let go!
"Lucky son of a bitch that I am, I landed in some bushes. But that maniac, he comes out with a refrigerator and throws it on top of me.
"And that's how I died."
"Wow," St. Peter says and looks at the third guy. "What's your story?"
And the third guy says, "Picture this; there I am, naked in a refrigerator. . . "
First guys says, "Well, I wasn't feeling good so I came home from work early. My wife and me had been fighting a lot, so when I opened the door of our high rise apartment and found her naked, I became enraged. I just knew she was messing around on me, so I start tearing through the apartment. Under the bed, in the closets, I looked everywhere!
So, I go out onto our balacany to have a smoke and calm down. And that's when I see these two hands hanging off balcany. I got so pissed I just started smashing them until he let go. But the bastard landed in some bushes and broke his fall.
Furious, I ran into the house, yanked the refrigerator from the wall, and threw it off the balcany onto him.
Only the cord caught my collar and pulled me over with it. And that's how I died.
"Wow," Peter says, and points to the second guy. "How about you?"
And the second guy says, "Well, I was just home one day, drinking brandy and having some fun. I went outside on my balcany to look at the sky, started leaning over the rail, lost my balance and fell over!
"Well, lucky son of a bitch that I am, I managed to grab hold of a rails a few apartments down. So, I'm sitting there, catching my breath when some maniac starts bounding on my fingers until I let go!
"Lucky son of a bitch that I am, I landed in some bushes. But that maniac, he comes out with a refrigerator and throws it on top of me.
"And that's how I died."
"Wow," St. Peter says and looks at the third guy. "What's your story?"
And the third guy says, "Picture this; there I am, naked in a refrigerator. . . "
OP
OP
SECTION 11
vibraslap
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
A pirate walked into bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you for some time. What happened? You look terrible!
"What do you mean? I'm fine", replied the pirate.
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before"
"Well", said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea, and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really".
"Oh Yeah? Well, what about the hook? The last time I saw you,
you had both hands."
"Well, we were in another battle, and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight, and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh, " said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last
time you were in here, you had both eyes."
"One day we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship.
I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye".
"You're kidding, " said the bartender. "You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well...." he shrugged and sheepishly added, "It was my first day with the hook."
"What do you mean? I'm fine", replied the pirate.
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before"
"Well", said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea, and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really".
"Oh Yeah? Well, what about the hook? The last time I saw you,
you had both hands."
"Well, we were in another battle, and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight, and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh, " said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last
time you were in here, you had both eyes."
"One day we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship.
I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye".
"You're kidding, " said the bartender. "You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well...." he shrugged and sheepishly added, "It was my first day with the hook."
OP
OP
SECTION 11
vibraslap
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 9,773
- Reaction score
- 5
What sexual position makes for the ugliest children?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Ask your parents.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Ask your parents.
