I Can Dream Can't I?
by Tangodnzr
July 5th, 2003
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Well, it’s 5 am in the morning and I still can’t get to sleep. I found myself lying awake, a million thoughts racing through my mind. I tried to tell my self that yesterday was just another day, disappointing but nothing to lose any sleep over.
But the reality is….it wasn’t just another day. And I can’t sleep. I guess I feel like the woman who has watched her marriage crumble and yesterday was the day it finally came to an official end.
Not only have I lost my handsome prince who was going to be the answer all my dreams, but the whole family is in turmoil.
I will always love you Jake, and I know that deep down you still love me too. You were my handsome prince, and you rode in and swept me off my feet. What a wonderful courtship it was. I was just a plain girl, always passed over by the most popular boys. But you told me you saw my beauty, and I believed you. It seemed like we were just made for each other. I’ll never forget that day in ’98 when you brought me that gorgeous new gown and took me to the prom in Dallas. I will treasure that forever. But then I saw things starting to change.
The kids were now running around the house screaming “daddy, daddy” buy us more toys like you used to. I saw the strain in your face as now sometimes bills started becoming overdue. You kept trying, determined to be all that you promised you would. But I could also see the confidence receding too. But you bravely kept trying everything in your power to still make it all work. Even when the kids, kept screaming at you, and you would sometimes get so frustrated you would say, “I don’t even give a rats ass”. I knew you didn’t really mean it, that you still, deep down, loved all of us and wanted things to work. But now you’ve left me. We both saw it coming, I knew it was only a matter of time until some fairy princess came along and caught your eye.
I don’t blame you. Life is like that sometimes. I want to hate you for running out on us, but I also know you really did try, and that’s all I could ask for. I will miss you a lot. But I do wish you well, even though every time I see you with her, I will feel a little twinge of jealousy and a little pain in my heart for what might have been but didn’t turn out to be. I guess instead of Prince Valiant, you ended up more Willie Loman.
And to top it off, then David , the Greek god who came into the family and seemed like he could carry us on his shoulders wherever we wanted to go. But it all turned out to be virtual reality, and instead of our saving Hercules he turned out to be more of an Icarus, He thought he could be god. And he flew to close to the sun and melted his wings. Now I see him like a gladiator in the land of Thor. And when I go to the arena, I will still marvel at his wondrous strength. But I will feel a little bitterness, a sense of betrayal and a feeling that not only were his wings of wax, but his heart was to. The applause will only be polite and restrained at best.
There have already been new suitors stopping by, to preen and pay their respects. And I smile, yet the hurt holds back my trembling hand. I can’t help but feel some of their smiles are painted and their words little sugar cookies, but they glance sideways at the kids and my cellulite. The reality has struck, my Camelot has taken a heavy hit. The hard part is, that it all has affected so many others in the family too. And the kids don’t understand. All they know is daddy’s gone and all they can do is jump and scream and say look at me. I am important too. I hate daddy for leaving.
Thank god for Marcel and a lot of the rest of the family. We’ve all been through a lot, but hopefully now this dark and lonely night may indeed be showing the traces of dawn.
Now I will hope that someone does come along, who will accept me for what I am, and what I know I can be, kids and all. I can dream can’t I.
