Posted on Thu, Jul. 22, 2004
A boycott to protest pomposity of worldwide leader in sports
Tim Kawakami
Mercury News Staff Columnist
Three words to start a personal revolution: I'm boycotting ESPN.
(For as long as I can.)
Starting with this morning's ``SportsCenter'' rerun and lasting until I suffer from a piercing bout of Dick Vitale-deprivation or the network publicly disavows the entire run of ``Around the Horn,'' I'm boycotting ESPN, ESPN2 and any other part of the ESPN broadcast empire.
(I feel better already.)
I'm boycotting ESPN because it's the only game in sports-TV journalism and, like all monopolies, has gotten bloated and maddeningly self-absorbed. I'm boycotting ESPN because I want to know if I can. I'm boycotting ESPN because it has become as omnipresent and dangerous as Microsoft, and it takes a conscious effort to avoid the brand.
Hey, we survived thousands of years before the ESPN era began in 1979 and Chris Berman started demanding that sports virgins be brought to his throne as tribute, right?
So I have to do something to avoid the inexplicable new ``Stump the Schwab'' game show, which is either a hoax or proof that ESPN programming guru Mark Shapiro has replaced Marlon Brando as America's most powerful loon.
The horror!
Something became clear to me recently amid the dopey ``Home Run Derby,'' the repulsive ESPYs, the rewrite-history-as-schlock ESPN25 broadcasts and the mindless shrieking and whining.
(I was a member of the voting panel for ESPN25; I can't be the only voter horrified by the first few shows.)
Somewhere in the past few days, it dawned on me that Bad ESPN had finally gobbled up Good ESPN.
ESPN has always had a split personality: Good ESPN, with tremendous reporters, excellent game coverage and a sense of responsibility; and Bad ESPN, which believes that the only way to cut through the clutter is to SHOUT LOUDER AND LOUDER and produce dumber and dumber shows.
Good ESPN is ``Baseball Tonight,'' ``Pardon the Interruption'' and ``Outside the Lines.'' It's Tom Jackson, Bob Ley, Harold Reynolds, Linda Cohn, Chris Mortensen and Dan Patrick.
Bad ESPN is almost everything else, from Berman to the ESPYs to Stuart Scott to NFL analysts Sean Salisbury and John Clayton (two very nice guys off-air) yelling at each other like kindergartners.
Bad ESPN created ``Dream Job'' and its winner, new ``SportsCenter'' anchor Mike Hall, whose attempts at humor and highlight narration make him sound like a 5-month-old cocker spaniel doing the sports report: lots of high-pitched squealing, some drooling, playful pats on the nose by those nearest to him.
And he makes me think of that amplifier joke in ``Spinal Tap.''
We know that Scott and Berman are all-time ``10s'' on the annoyance meter. Now Hall has come along and, hello, we find out ESPN can pump it up to ``11'' when it really needs to.
Of course, remnants of Good ESPN survive. Only Wednesday, I was mesmerized by Ley's ``SportsCenter'' report on the doping charges leveled at Lance Armstrong.
I'd estimate I watch about 75 to 90 minutes of ESPN programming a day, either as background noise or to catch up on things by tuning in to ``SportsCenter.'' And Bad ESPN is everywhere.
Over those 75 minutes, ESPN is a TV obstacle course: Whoops, watch out, blatant self-promotion, turn to CNN! Get back in time for the update on the Los Angeles Lakers' break-up. Oh no, it's an ESPYs replay, turn off the TV right now!!!
ESPN had two main NBA analysts last season -- thoughtful, knowledgeable veteran NBA reporter David Aldridge and the infamous Screamin' A. Smith. Guess which one they just let go? Hint: It wasn't the guy who actually makes sense and doesn't harm your ears.
Look at what they're doing. What does that tell you about how ESPN sees its viewers? As children, you think?
It's no secret that Disney-owned ESPN is trying to transform itself into a mega-entertainment studio to rival Pixar. But instead, it's mutating into a particularly smarmy dimension of hell to rival, well, hell.
Eventually, there will be major ESPN backlash. I don't know if it's coming yet, but I know I want to be out there first, because I want to be on the side with a soul.
So I'm boycotting. I toyed with the idea of drafting my sports-crazy nephew -- smack dab in the middle of ESPN's 18-to-25 demographic target territory -- to make this a contest.
But I just want to test myself for now. It's not a crusade. I have no desire to become a martyr, squashed by the ESPN logo, though that might occur anyway.
I admit, I chose to start the boycott now, partly because I knew it'd be a relatively easy time to go ESPN cold turkey.
The Shaq-and-Kobe drama is done, the NFL isn't revving up until September, I can get my baseball fix from the Giants and A's local telecasts, and the Olympics, one of the few things not in the ESPN orbit, will soon blot out the landscape.
But it still will be difficult to keep up the boycott. For instance: Where can I get gossip about the upcoming baseball trade deadline? Fox Net's ``Best Damn Sports Show'' is not an option, because that's like boycotting Shell by buying a Chevron station.
I know eventually I will come back to ESPN. I need it, I hate it. I'm boycotting it, for as long as I can.
You can support me. You can belittle me. But I'm boycotting ESPN. I'll let you know when I relapse.
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