Here's a Gigli review by my favorite reviewer...
"Gigli: How Bad Is It? It's Pretty Bad"
By Teddy Durgin
[email protected]
"Gigli." Oh, where to start? Where to start?
The film is not so much awful as it is awfully embarrassing,
awfully wrongheaded, awfully illogical, and (to use a
different adverb) dreadfully dull. It's not even bad on a
"get-drunk-and-make-fun-of-it" level like "Glitter" and
"Crossroads" was. "Gigli" is the kind of film struggling
screenwriters around the world see, then they go to bars,
get all boozed up, and lament at just what the Hell is
Hollywood thinking in greenlighting such insults to the
human eyes and ears.
Is "Gigli" the worst movie ever made, as some early reviews
have raged? No. I've seen worse. I really have. It's not
as bad as my picks for the Worst Films of the last two
years, "Freddy Got Fingered" or "Master of Disguise." But
it sure ranks up there with this year's crop!
There are literally so many things wrong with the movie that
it's difficult to know where to start. And I promise, I'm
not gonna waste too much of your time on this. The film is
SO not worth seeing on any level, at any price, in any
circumstance. I can't even imagine a scenario where
watching this movie would be worthwhile. OK, let me think
for a second. Hey, got one! Let's say you've injured both
of your arms in an accident, and you've been in extensive
physical therapy for months trying to regain their use.
You're at your darkest, most despairing moment. You're
tired. You're frustrated. It's just not working. You
can't get your arms to move. Have your therapist put this
movie on the television, and have him or her put the remote
control just out of arm's reach. You WILL reach for the
remote, and you WILL turn off that television!
The movie is THAT BAD!!!
Ben Affleck stars as dimwitted mob enforcer Larry Gigli
(everyone pronounces it "giggly," but he tells them "No, it
rhymes with 'really'" ... really, this is never once
endearing). Gigli, pronounce it however you wish, is
assigned to kidnap the mentally challenged brother (Justin
Bartha) of a federal prosecutor who is out to put away a New
York crime boss. Almost immediately after giving Gigli this
fairly simple assignment, Gigli's L.A. contact has second
thoughts and also assigns Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) to watch
over the ******** kid. And by that, I mean Gigli not the
young man with the mental defect who the film treats as
comic relief.
By now you probably know that J-Lo's character is a
self-professed lesbian. You may also know that Affleck's
character succeeds in getting her into bed AND they end up
falling for each other. Is it possible to even believe this
coupling for one second of screen time? No way. As a
result, the film never works. Not for one moment. The
problem is that writer-director Martin Brest has ZERO
insight into either homosexuals or heterosexuals. He just
believes that two good-looking people sharing the same space
for more than a couple of days are going to wind up in the
sack together, regardless of who they are or who they
profess to be.
The film's subplots are equally insulting. The one thing
Brest does that Rob Reiner did not do earlier in the summer
with the dreadful "Alex & Emma" is get his two leads out of
the dingy, colorless apartment where much of the dull,
leaden byplay between the two leads takes place. But EVERY
place Gigli and Ricki go, something progressively dumber and
more insulting happens. In one scene, J-Lo lectures a group
of gangsta teenage hoodlums in a fast-food restaurant not to
mess with her and Ben, actually quoting Sun Tzu and bragging
that she knows some fictional martial arts move akin to a
Three Stooges eye gouge that not only destroys the visual
cortex but also steals all memory of what has just been seen
from the victim. Uh, hello! J-Lo, can you please perform
that same move on me so I can forget your horrible movie?!
Of course, in real life, both her and the doofus she's with
(again, Affleck not the ******** kid) would have been
stabbed about 500 times on their way out of the restaurant.
And please keep in mind that earlier in the film,
Christopher Walken walked in for one scene as a police
detective suspecting Gigli of harboring the kidnapped
teenager. Five minutes later, and Gigli and Ricki are
riding around with the kid in downtown L.A. in broad
daylight in a convertible ... WITH THE TOP DOWN!!! Oh, but
it's OK. They put a knit cap and sunglasses on him.
Inane!
You want a scene that's even worse. Ricki's ex-girlfriend
shows up at Gigli's apartment about halfway through,
distraught over their recent breakup. What does she do?
Yup, she grabs one of Gigli's steak knives and slashes her
wrists. I'm not making this up! There are two lesbians in
the film. One succumbs to Ben Affleck and the other is a
shrieking psycho hose beast.
More idiocy? The ******** boy whines at Gigli to read him
to sleep every night. One problem. Gigli has no books.
J-Lo makes fun of him for that, then orders him to read the
boy something. Anything. So, Gigli reads him the labels
off of sauce bottles and other household items. A scene
later, and Gigli joins J-Lo in bed. What is she doing?
Yup! Reading a book!
Other head-scratching plot detours include: a scene where
Affleck's mom makes eyes at J-Lo after Gigli tells her she
is a lesbian; a really weird scene in a morgue where Gigli
takes a plastic knife and cuts off the thumb of a corpse
while the ******** boy starts blaring Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby
Got Back;" and an even more ridiculous scene with a
screaming Al Pacino that ends in murder (sadly, not Ben or
Jen's). As you're watching Pacino, you just want him to
stop. Stop besmirching his legacy. For God's sake, STOP!
I think I'll stop here. But I do want readers to know that
I harbor no lasting ill will towards Jennifer Lopez and Ben
Affleck as a result of this film, their relationship, or
their money. Sure, a recent appearance on "Dateline" where
they were interviewed by that tool Pat O'Brien for an entire
hour made me want to die (and I only was able to log about
10 minutes with it). And what must Kevin Smith be thinking
(and drinking) right now?! He cast Ben and Jen in his
upcoming "Jersey Girl" next February. This is Smith's
attempt to finally make a serious movie apart from his silly
Jay and Silent Bob flicks. And to have THIS happen!
Oh, you remember Kevin Smith right? He was the one who
wrote and directed the first movie to feature Ben Affleck
seducing a lesbian into falling in love with him. That was
"Chasing Amy" back in 1997. Dear readers, if you really
have to see one movie in this growing sub-genre, let it be
"Amy." The movie is quite funny, it's more insightful than
"gigli," and it has comic books in it.
"Gigli" has nothing in it to recommend.
---
"Gigli" is rated R for extreme profanity, brief graphic
violence, and sexuality. No nudity, of course.
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