SECTION 11
vibraslap
1. Cincinnati Bengals. PFC. JESSICA LYNCH, 507th Ordnance Maintenance Company. If the sculpted, testosterone-pumped Bengals displayed half the heart and courage of this 130-pound woman, Cincinnati would be a Super Bowl lock.
2. Detroit Lions. DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER, Belle Springs Creamery, Abilene, Kan. Eisenhower was president, Taiwan was called Formosa, and Algeria and Vietnam were under French rule the last time the Lions won everything. Think about it.
3. Houston Texans. JENNA AND BARBARA BUSH, regulars, Pink Pony Pub, actual site of recent twins spotting. The fun-loving twins would liven up Texans' tailgate parties. Also, perhaps they will run for the White House in 2016, their first years of Constitutional eligibility, as a combined ticket.
4. Chicago Bears. BILL O'REILLY, loudmouth, Fox News. Since the Bears lack offense, why not nab someone offensive? Note to Bill's mom: At some point, you should have mentioned the concept of "manners" to him.
5. Dallas Cowboys. DAVE ORECK, vacuum cleaner salesman, New Orleans. TMQ has long been struck by the physical resemblance between 'Boys owner Jerry Jones and late-night vacuum cleaner huckster Dave Oreck -- that's where the resemblances end, since Oreck has a respectable line of work. Check out the incredible all-new Oreck XL two-speed upright, offered now with "free annual tune-ups for seven years." A vacuum cleaner that needs a tune-up -- someone in greasy overalls comes to your house?
6. Arizona (CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN FOOTBALL-LIKE SUBSTANCE) Cardinals. HANS BLIX, United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission. Since the Cards are perennially dead-last in NFL attendance, if Blix and his inspectors fanned out across Sun Devil Stadium, perhaps they could discover a paying customer. Note: in the second round of the draft, Arizona hopes to tab Blix's seeing-eye dog.
7. Minnesota Vikings. DR. PHIL, shiny talking object, the 24-Hour Dr. Phil Channel. Here's the deal: if Randy Moss doesn't shape up, he has to get in touch with his feelings on the Dr. Phil show. If that doesn't bring Moss around, nothing will.
Check out Dr. Phil's sage views on dating, including, "Don't restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act." His profound advice on women who can't find a guy to marry? "If what you're doing isn't working, change it. Do something different." Dr. TMQ's advice to women seeking men? Start thinking of sex as a physical act!
8. Carolina Panthers.* MICHAEL JORDAN, wide receiver, University of North Carolina. What have they got to lose?
* Projected trade. Carolina sends Jacksonville its first and third picks in 2003, sixth pick in 2004, fourth pick in 2005 and several priceless Mesopotamian artifacts looted from Baghdad for the Jaguars' first and fifth picks in 2003, the option of exchanging fifth rounds picks in 2007, any compensatory picks the team might receive in 2008 and a complete list of all swear words used by insult-spewing former Jax coach Tom Coughlin. Carolina then trades the list of swear words to Bill O'Reilly.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars. BYRON LEFTWICH, quarterback, Marshall. Actual possible pick thrown in for variety. TMQ's favorite Leftwich stat: against the University of Buffalo in October, Leftwich threw for 447 yards in the first half.
10. Baltimore Ravens. A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE, quarterback. In just four years of coaching the Ravens, insult-spewing Brian Billick -- who now takes over from the cashiered Coughlin as the league's worst-sport coach -- has rolled out eight different starting quarterbacks, while cutting the one who won the Super Bowl! Yea, verily, the football gods doth wince.
11. Seattle Seahawks. JACK GRUBMAN, former Vice President for Client Fraud, Merrill Lynch. In addition to touting various Seattle-area tech stocks, Grubman forecast the Seahawks to go 45-2 during the 2002 season and win the Super Bowl six times in the same year.
12. St. Louis Rams. MYSTIQUE, blue-skinned mega-babe, the X-Men. St. Louis won a trophy using alien-in-human-form "Kurt Warner" behind center, but, last season, NASA telemetry devices must have located Warner's starcruiser and jammed its emissions, because Warner sure looked normal. If aliens aren't working now for the Rams, why not switch to mutants?
Tinseltown note: in the X-Man movies, Mystique is played by the luscious supermodel Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. But since Mystique's power is to change herself into other forms, Romijn-Stamos is almost never on screen; Mystique always appears transformed into some boring, balding guy. So the producers hire an incredibly good-looking babe, strip her naked, paint her blue and, then, rather than flash viewers some blue skin, keep her off camera for the entire movie. Ye gods.
13. Jersey/B Jets. VERA WANG, couturière, Manhattan. Seriously, Jets, it's now 2003; do something about those uniforms.
Vera Wang note: her consumer feedback page helpfully asks, "How much would you spend on a wedding dress?"
Cartography note: a transaction ostensibly sent this pick from "Washington" to "New York." But since the trading team's stadium is in Maryland, while the receiving team's field is in New Jersey, how did the Fed Ex driver know where to deliver the package?
14. New England Patriots. NEM
15. San Diego Chargers. SARAH REICHERT, cheerleader, San Diego Chargers. Reichert was last year's most-clicked-on cheer-babe in TMQ; the appearance in the column of her swimsuit photo crashed the Charger's main server both times it ran. Realistically, the high-aesthetic-appeal Chargers cheerleaders are likely to be more pleasant to look at this season than the low-aesthetic-appeal Chargers themselves.
16. Kansas City Chiefs. BEER MAN, any brand. At $3.50 a cup, Arrowhead Stadium offers the lowest-priced beer in the NFL.
17. Washington Wizards (projected trade from New Orleans Saints). KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR, LARRY BIRD, MAGIC JOHNSON, BILL RUSSELL, JERRY WEST, WILLIS REED, ELGIN BAYLOR, ADRIAN DANTLEY, BOB McADOO, DAVE COWENS, SPENCER HAYWOOD, DENNIS JOHNSON, WALT FRAZIER, BOB LANIER, ELVIN HAYES, JOE CALDWELL, JOHN HAVLICEK, BILL WALTON, CHARLES BARKLEY, TINY ARCHIBALD, BILLY KNIGHT, CALVIN MURPHY, ROBERT PARISH, PEARL MONROE, WALT BELLAMY AND KEVIN McHALE. All these guys could come back and the Wizards would still be cover-your-eyes awful.
18. Los Angeles Clippers (projected trade from New Orleans Saints). It makes absolutely no difference whom the Clippers draft, and it never will.
19. New England Patriots. SHANE STAFFORD, quarterback, University of Connecticut. Stafford goes into training camp listed fourth on the Pats depth chart and thus, by New England logic, is likely to become a Super Bowl hero.
20. Denver Broncos. WILLIAM OF ORANGE, king of England, Scotland and Ireland. An obvious fit for the Broncos' program.
21. Cleveland Browns. BUFFY SUMMERS, vampire slayer, University of California at Sunnydale. According to the bootleg script of the upcoming "Buffy" series finale episode now making the rounds on the Internet, our heroine succeeds in sealing the hellmouth under Sunnydale, only to discover there is a second opening to hell -- in Cleveland. Ah, Cleveland: All that gentrification, the trendy downtown restaurants, Drew Carey, the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame and you're still getting pasted with Cleveland jokes.
22. Jersey/B Jets. RUDY GULIANI, former district attorney, Manhattan. Jets, if you want to stop losing players to "Washington," hire someone who really knows how to lock 'em up.
23. Buffalo Bills. JOSH WHEDON, producer and chief writer, "Buffy the Vampire ." Civic fathers want to thank Whedon for not making the final joke a Buffalo joke.
24. Indianapolis Colts. "JULIE," artificial voice, Amtrak. Call 1-800-USA-RAIL. Talk to "Julie." Try to get "Julie" to connect you with a real person who sells train tickets. Ask "Julie" out. Read her the GPS coordinates of Saddam Hussein's chemical weapons depots. You might as well shout at the wall. If the Colts broadcast "Julie's" voice in their dome, opposing teams would run from the stadium screaming.
25. Jersey/B Giants. JACK NICHOLSON, actor, "Anger Management." Assign him to live with Jeremy Shockey, whom TMQ views as one pass interference no-call away from striking a ref and sitting out a season.
26. San Francisco Forty-Niners. DEION SANDERS, motor mouth, Florida State. The Niners will then give Sanders as a gift to whomever looks dangerous in the NFC West. Can any team seriously be thinking about bringing back this me-first has-been? Doesn't anyone remember how he single-handedly ruined an entire season for "Washington" the last time he had on cleats? Me-first has-been nightmare matchup: Sanders covering Cris Carter.
27. Pittsburgh Steelers. KENNY PETERSON, defensive end, Ohio State. Planning, of course, to convert him to quarterback
28. Tennessee Titans. NATALIE MAINES, country singer, Dixie Chicks. "One of the privileges of being an American is you are free to voice your own point of view," Maines said after declaring herself "ashamed" of the president of the United States. And it's true, one of the privileges of being an American is saying whatever damn-fool thing you please. Another privilege of being an American is ignoring damn fools, for example by refusing to play the Dixie Chicks.
29. Green Bay Packers. CURLY LAMBEAU, ghost. The Packers are selling the naming rights to Lambeau Field -- say it ain't so! What's it going to be, the Kraft Cheez-Whiz Field at Lambeau?
30. Philadelphia Eagles. ANDREW CARNEGIE, financier and noted advocate of thrift. Right now the Eagles have the second-most unused cap space in the league, trailing only the woeful Cards. For three consecutive offseasons, Philadelphia has been a couple players away from the Super Bowl, but refused to use its cap space. Attention owner Jeff Lurie: there's a word for this, and it rhymes with "asleep."
31. Oakland Raiders. DAVID BOIES, lead attorney, Boies, Shiller & Flexner. In Los Angeles, sued L.A.. Now in Oakland, he's suing Oakland. Davis has repeatedly sued the NFL, as part of his hobby, which is attempting to drive professional football out of business. This month Davis began suing individual NFL teams, suing the Bucs for having a pirate theme and the Panthers for using silver and black in their logo. Hey, and aren't these teams both using letters from the alphabet in their names? Sue!
32. Oakland Raiders. DR. ROBERT STERNBERG, president, American Psychological Association. Perhaps he could explain what Barret Robbins is still doing on the Raiders' roster.
2. Detroit Lions. DWIGHT DAVID EISENHOWER, Belle Springs Creamery, Abilene, Kan. Eisenhower was president, Taiwan was called Formosa, and Algeria and Vietnam were under French rule the last time the Lions won everything. Think about it.
3. Houston Texans. JENNA AND BARBARA BUSH, regulars, Pink Pony Pub, actual site of recent twins spotting. The fun-loving twins would liven up Texans' tailgate parties. Also, perhaps they will run for the White House in 2016, their first years of Constitutional eligibility, as a combined ticket.
4. Chicago Bears. BILL O'REILLY, loudmouth, Fox News. Since the Bears lack offense, why not nab someone offensive? Note to Bill's mom: At some point, you should have mentioned the concept of "manners" to him.
5. Dallas Cowboys. DAVE ORECK, vacuum cleaner salesman, New Orleans. TMQ has long been struck by the physical resemblance between 'Boys owner Jerry Jones and late-night vacuum cleaner huckster Dave Oreck -- that's where the resemblances end, since Oreck has a respectable line of work. Check out the incredible all-new Oreck XL two-speed upright, offered now with "free annual tune-ups for seven years." A vacuum cleaner that needs a tune-up -- someone in greasy overalls comes to your house?
6. Arizona (CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN FOOTBALL-LIKE SUBSTANCE) Cardinals. HANS BLIX, United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission. Since the Cards are perennially dead-last in NFL attendance, if Blix and his inspectors fanned out across Sun Devil Stadium, perhaps they could discover a paying customer. Note: in the second round of the draft, Arizona hopes to tab Blix's seeing-eye dog.
7. Minnesota Vikings. DR. PHIL, shiny talking object, the 24-Hour Dr. Phil Channel. Here's the deal: if Randy Moss doesn't shape up, he has to get in touch with his feelings on the Dr. Phil show. If that doesn't bring Moss around, nothing will.
Check out Dr. Phil's sage views on dating, including, "Don't restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act." His profound advice on women who can't find a guy to marry? "If what you're doing isn't working, change it. Do something different." Dr. TMQ's advice to women seeking men? Start thinking of sex as a physical act!
8. Carolina Panthers.* MICHAEL JORDAN, wide receiver, University of North Carolina. What have they got to lose?
* Projected trade. Carolina sends Jacksonville its first and third picks in 2003, sixth pick in 2004, fourth pick in 2005 and several priceless Mesopotamian artifacts looted from Baghdad for the Jaguars' first and fifth picks in 2003, the option of exchanging fifth rounds picks in 2007, any compensatory picks the team might receive in 2008 and a complete list of all swear words used by insult-spewing former Jax coach Tom Coughlin. Carolina then trades the list of swear words to Bill O'Reilly.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars. BYRON LEFTWICH, quarterback, Marshall. Actual possible pick thrown in for variety. TMQ's favorite Leftwich stat: against the University of Buffalo in October, Leftwich threw for 447 yards in the first half.
10. Baltimore Ravens. A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE, quarterback. In just four years of coaching the Ravens, insult-spewing Brian Billick -- who now takes over from the cashiered Coughlin as the league's worst-sport coach -- has rolled out eight different starting quarterbacks, while cutting the one who won the Super Bowl! Yea, verily, the football gods doth wince.
11. Seattle Seahawks. JACK GRUBMAN, former Vice President for Client Fraud, Merrill Lynch. In addition to touting various Seattle-area tech stocks, Grubman forecast the Seahawks to go 45-2 during the 2002 season and win the Super Bowl six times in the same year.
12. St. Louis Rams. MYSTIQUE, blue-skinned mega-babe, the X-Men. St. Louis won a trophy using alien-in-human-form "Kurt Warner" behind center, but, last season, NASA telemetry devices must have located Warner's starcruiser and jammed its emissions, because Warner sure looked normal. If aliens aren't working now for the Rams, why not switch to mutants?
Tinseltown note: in the X-Man movies, Mystique is played by the luscious supermodel Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. But since Mystique's power is to change herself into other forms, Romijn-Stamos is almost never on screen; Mystique always appears transformed into some boring, balding guy. So the producers hire an incredibly good-looking babe, strip her naked, paint her blue and, then, rather than flash viewers some blue skin, keep her off camera for the entire movie. Ye gods.
13. Jersey/B Jets. VERA WANG, couturière, Manhattan. Seriously, Jets, it's now 2003; do something about those uniforms.
Vera Wang note: her consumer feedback page helpfully asks, "How much would you spend on a wedding dress?"
Cartography note: a transaction ostensibly sent this pick from "Washington" to "New York." But since the trading team's stadium is in Maryland, while the receiving team's field is in New Jersey, how did the Fed Ex driver know where to deliver the package?
14. New England Patriots. NEM
15. San Diego Chargers. SARAH REICHERT, cheerleader, San Diego Chargers. Reichert was last year's most-clicked-on cheer-babe in TMQ; the appearance in the column of her swimsuit photo crashed the Charger's main server both times it ran. Realistically, the high-aesthetic-appeal Chargers cheerleaders are likely to be more pleasant to look at this season than the low-aesthetic-appeal Chargers themselves.
16. Kansas City Chiefs. BEER MAN, any brand. At $3.50 a cup, Arrowhead Stadium offers the lowest-priced beer in the NFL.
17. Washington Wizards (projected trade from New Orleans Saints). KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR, LARRY BIRD, MAGIC JOHNSON, BILL RUSSELL, JERRY WEST, WILLIS REED, ELGIN BAYLOR, ADRIAN DANTLEY, BOB McADOO, DAVE COWENS, SPENCER HAYWOOD, DENNIS JOHNSON, WALT FRAZIER, BOB LANIER, ELVIN HAYES, JOE CALDWELL, JOHN HAVLICEK, BILL WALTON, CHARLES BARKLEY, TINY ARCHIBALD, BILLY KNIGHT, CALVIN MURPHY, ROBERT PARISH, PEARL MONROE, WALT BELLAMY AND KEVIN McHALE. All these guys could come back and the Wizards would still be cover-your-eyes awful.
18. Los Angeles Clippers (projected trade from New Orleans Saints). It makes absolutely no difference whom the Clippers draft, and it never will.
19. New England Patriots. SHANE STAFFORD, quarterback, University of Connecticut. Stafford goes into training camp listed fourth on the Pats depth chart and thus, by New England logic, is likely to become a Super Bowl hero.
20. Denver Broncos. WILLIAM OF ORANGE, king of England, Scotland and Ireland. An obvious fit for the Broncos' program.
21. Cleveland Browns. BUFFY SUMMERS, vampire slayer, University of California at Sunnydale. According to the bootleg script of the upcoming "Buffy" series finale episode now making the rounds on the Internet, our heroine succeeds in sealing the hellmouth under Sunnydale, only to discover there is a second opening to hell -- in Cleveland. Ah, Cleveland: All that gentrification, the trendy downtown restaurants, Drew Carey, the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame and you're still getting pasted with Cleveland jokes.
22. Jersey/B Jets. RUDY GULIANI, former district attorney, Manhattan. Jets, if you want to stop losing players to "Washington," hire someone who really knows how to lock 'em up.
23. Buffalo Bills. JOSH WHEDON, producer and chief writer, "Buffy the Vampire ." Civic fathers want to thank Whedon for not making the final joke a Buffalo joke.
24. Indianapolis Colts. "JULIE," artificial voice, Amtrak. Call 1-800-USA-RAIL. Talk to "Julie." Try to get "Julie" to connect you with a real person who sells train tickets. Ask "Julie" out. Read her the GPS coordinates of Saddam Hussein's chemical weapons depots. You might as well shout at the wall. If the Colts broadcast "Julie's" voice in their dome, opposing teams would run from the stadium screaming.
25. Jersey/B Giants. JACK NICHOLSON, actor, "Anger Management." Assign him to live with Jeremy Shockey, whom TMQ views as one pass interference no-call away from striking a ref and sitting out a season.
26. San Francisco Forty-Niners. DEION SANDERS, motor mouth, Florida State. The Niners will then give Sanders as a gift to whomever looks dangerous in the NFC West. Can any team seriously be thinking about bringing back this me-first has-been? Doesn't anyone remember how he single-handedly ruined an entire season for "Washington" the last time he had on cleats? Me-first has-been nightmare matchup: Sanders covering Cris Carter.
27. Pittsburgh Steelers. KENNY PETERSON, defensive end, Ohio State. Planning, of course, to convert him to quarterback
28. Tennessee Titans. NATALIE MAINES, country singer, Dixie Chicks. "One of the privileges of being an American is you are free to voice your own point of view," Maines said after declaring herself "ashamed" of the president of the United States. And it's true, one of the privileges of being an American is saying whatever damn-fool thing you please. Another privilege of being an American is ignoring damn fools, for example by refusing to play the Dixie Chicks.
29. Green Bay Packers. CURLY LAMBEAU, ghost. The Packers are selling the naming rights to Lambeau Field -- say it ain't so! What's it going to be, the Kraft Cheez-Whiz Field at Lambeau?
30. Philadelphia Eagles. ANDREW CARNEGIE, financier and noted advocate of thrift. Right now the Eagles have the second-most unused cap space in the league, trailing only the woeful Cards. For three consecutive offseasons, Philadelphia has been a couple players away from the Super Bowl, but refused to use its cap space. Attention owner Jeff Lurie: there's a word for this, and it rhymes with "asleep."
31. Oakland Raiders. DAVID BOIES, lead attorney, Boies, Shiller & Flexner. In Los Angeles, sued L.A.. Now in Oakland, he's suing Oakland. Davis has repeatedly sued the NFL, as part of his hobby, which is attempting to drive professional football out of business. This month Davis began suing individual NFL teams, suing the Bucs for having a pirate theme and the Panthers for using silver and black in their logo. Hey, and aren't these teams both using letters from the alphabet in their names? Sue!
32. Oakland Raiders. DR. ROBERT STERNBERG, president, American Psychological Association. Perhaps he could explain what Barret Robbins is still doing on the Raiders' roster.
