Joke of The Day

[Walter Mitchell]

I dedicate this post to two of my favorite posters, two guys who consistently make all of us laugh: Jeff Gollin and Section 11.

This guy goes to the doctor for a complete physical. The doctor comes in and says, "Everything's good. There's only one more test we need to take. We need a sample of your semen. Here's a vial. Go home and fill the vial with your semen and make sure that you snap the cap back on tightly. Then come and see me the day after tomorrow."

The man says, "OK."

Two days later the doctor comes in and says, "You know we couldn't find one trace of semen in that vial. What happened?"

The man says, "You know, Doc...I've got to be honest....I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand...I tried both hands...then my wife tried her right hand...my wife tried her left hand...she tried both hands...and she even put it in her mouth and tried jerking on it....BUT, no matter what we tried...





we couldn't get the fricking cap off!"

 

[Snakester]

I heard there is a new exorcist movie coming out. It's about a woman that hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

 

[40yearfan]

For the ladies on the board

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

 

[ChiCard]

A guy is sitting in front of the TV set and his wife asks him to fix the telephone. he looks up at her and says "Do I look like Alexander Graham Bell to you?" A little while later she points out that the light switch doesn't work either. He looks up again and says "Do I look like Thomas Edison to you?" and with that the husband leaves and goes to local gin mill for a few. When he returns he sees that the lights are on and the phone is fixed. He asks his wife what happened and she says "Well after you left I sat out on the porch and had a good cry when along came a nice young man. He asked me what was the matter and I told him I had no one to do the repairs around the house. He said he'd do them and when I asked what the cost would be he asked me to either sleep with him or bake him a cake". The Husband says "
well what kind of cake did you make?" To which the wife says, "Hey, do I look like Betty Crocker to you!"

 

[CardinalChris]

A guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He gets up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

The man looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean, clothes hung up, etc.. As he looks around further, he notices that the rest of the house is all sparkling. Very unusual.

He finally takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table..."Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.

The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., stoopid drunk and totally incoherent. You staggered thru the door, broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the stairway."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in perfect order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Well, last night Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you yelled.....,"Lady ...leave me alone,
I'm married'!"

 

[KingofCards]

Story of my life.

 

[ActingWild]

There was a shipwreck and only 5 survivors made it to safely to an island. 4 guys and 1 girl. Miraculously, the island had everything that they'd ever need. Plenty of vegetation, fruit, animals and fresh water. Protection from the elements and beautiful waterfalls and pools to bathe and relax in. A few weeks of this went by and everything was great until they all started to get "lonely." They all came up with a solution to this problem by agreeing that each guy would be with the woman for one week of the month. That way, the guy's would get plenty of sex for 1 week and the girl would get all the sex she wanted. This worked out perfectly for a couple of years until one fateful day the girl died.

The first week was no big deal to the guys. The second week was a little tough. The third week was unbearable. And on the fourth week, they just couldn't take it anymore...so on the 5th week they buried her!

Sorry, gross I know...but betcha didn't see that comin'!

 

[Goldfield]

Originally posted by Snakester
I heard there is a new exorcist movie coming out. It's about a woman that hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

MY GOD

 

[Goldfield]

Did you hear what the Bath tub said to the toilet...?

"I get as much ass as you, but I dont have to put up with all the "poopie"..."

 

[BuckeyeCardinal]

Women

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime
I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it wouldtake! I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, awish
you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what
they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what
they mean when theysay 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

[Dakota Red]

A cop pulls into a bar parking lot and notices a guy staggering around the parking lot holding his keys in his hand. The cop gets out and approaches the man.

He says "Sir can I help you?"

Man replies "Yesss sssirr offfiser. SSSSomeone sssseems to have stolen my car."

Cop "That's too bad." The cop looks down and notices that the man's penis is hanging out. "Umm, why is your penis hanging out of your pants?"

Man "Damn, they stole my girlfriend too"

 

[BuckeyeCardinal]

Rodney

R. Dangerfield's 21 best one-liners...

1. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night, she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work and I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man, I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I've got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times...three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me a poster boy...for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

 

[CardAvenger]

What does Snoop Dogg wash his socks in???
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BLEEEEAAAAATCH!!!!!