Please either...

[maddogkf]

So Satan appears on the stage at church one Sunday and the members flee in terror...except for one elderly man who calmly remains sitting in his pew.
Satan is a little ticked. He says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The old man says, "Yep."
Satan frowns, then says, "You know who I am, and you're not scared?"
The old man chuckles, then says, "Nope."
Perturbed, Satan stomps a hoof, picks some lint from his tail and sighs, "OK, why aren't you scared."
The old man strokes his whiskers and says, "Well, I been married to your sister for forty years..."

 

[Tangodnzr]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?.....



One less drunk.

 

[WizardOfAz]

Originally posted by maddogkf
REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS:

Too funny.....

 

[slanidrac16]

Fireworks have now been banned at Eurodisney in France. Seems every time French military heard the explosions they started to surrender.

 

[BuckeyeCardinal]

X Rated Riddles

X-RATED RIDDLES



Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a ****** and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance
than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. What is the definition of divorce?
A. The screwing you get for the screwing got.

 

[slanidrac16]

One day the Lone Ranger was taken captive by some wild indians. The Chief addressed the Lone Ranger and said, "You have traveled on Sacred ground and you must die. I will grant you 1 request." The Lone Ranger replied, "'I'd like to speak to my horse". He proceeds to whisper to the horse. His horse takes off , full gallop over the hill. He returns with the most beautiful woman on his back, completely naked.

She slithers off the horse, walks over to the lone ranger. She slowly starts to undress him on an erotic adventure. The indians were going wild! They ate their popcorn and cheered her on right to the grand finnaly.

The chief approached a now exhausted Lone Ranger. " Men enjoy you last wish. Want to grant 1 more wish before you die", The Chief said. Again the Lone Ranger requested to talk to his horse. The exhausted Lone Ranger leans close to his horse an says "Posse, you stupid nag. POSSE!!!

 

[Shane]

Originally posted by maddogkf
The Texan, the Californian, and the Arizonan


A Texan, a Californian, and an Arizonan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long swig, then another, and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.

The Arizonan can't believe this and says, "What the heck did you do that for??? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!"

The Californian says "In California, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later, the Arizonan pulls out a bottle of tequila. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Californian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"

The Arizonan replied, "In Arizona we have plenty of Californians, and bottles are worth a nickel."

LMAO!!!

 

[BuckeyeCardinal]

Mideast New TV Season

Sunday:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream Of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies

Monday
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Ladens Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal

Tuesday
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Sez It's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer

Wednesday
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, A Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch

Thursday
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronicas Closet Full of Long,Black Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

Friday
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No Witness News

Saturday
8:00 - Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 - Whose Koran is it Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54 Where Are You?

 

[Brian]

A cowboy is out riding fence for six months when he comes across this town. He rides into the town and finds the local saloon. He says "Bartender, I ain't had a bath, a shot of whiskey, or slept with a woman in six months." The bartender says, "Well, I can help you out with the whiskey, and the bath, but we ain't got no women in this town." The cowboy says "No women! What do you do when you're needin' some lovin'?" The bartender says " Well we got ol' Dollar Bill, the cook back there." "Hang on a minute," says the cowboy " I ain't into that crap!" The bartender laughs and says "Suit yourself." With that the cowboy rides off.

Six more months pass, and the cowboy comes up on the same town. "Please tell me you got a woman now, I ain't had no lovin' in a year!" The bartender says "Nope but we still got ol' Dollar Bill"
"I ain't into that crap!" says the cowboy and rides off.

Six more months pass, and now the cowboy is just DYING for some lovin'. He comes across the same town and tells the bartender, "PLEASE, PLEASE tell me you got a woman!" "Nope" says the bartender, " But we still got ol' Dollar Bill"

"Ok" says the cowboy, "If I does this, who's gonna know?"

"Well" says the bartender, " Me.....and you.......and ol' Dollar Bill of course.........and about 2 or 3 other guys at the most"

"2 or 3 other guys!" says the cowboy "What the heck they gotta know for?!"

"Well, it takes two or three guys to hold ol' Dollar Bill down, cuz he ain't into that crap either!"..........................................

 

[Stout]

An Irishman walks into a bar with a tiny leprechaun on his shoulder, and says "Two beers, one for me, and one for my leprechaun."

The man drinks down his Guinness. The leprechaun jumps down, chugs his, runs to the end of the bar where the meanest, ugliest biker is sitting, and goes, 'hhhh-ptoooey!' right in his face.

The biker gets all upset, but the man apologizes and, grumbling, the biker lets the leprechaun off the hook.

A few minutes later, the man hails the bartender and says, "Two beers, one for me, and one for my leprechaun."

The man drinks down his Guinness. The leprechaun jumps down, chugs his, runs to the end of the bar where the biker is sitting, and goes, 'hhhh-ptooooey!' right in his face.

The biker says, "Okay, that does it. I'm going to kill the little ******!"

The man apologizes and this time buys a pint to calm the biker down.

Once again, the guy orders two beers, drinks his down, and has his leprechaun drink his. And, once again, the leprechaun repeats his episode.

The biker wipes off his face and screams, 'That's it! I'm going to swing that little ***** around by his ***** until it falls off!"

The man gets all serious, and says, "I'm sorry, but you can't do that."

The biker demands, "Why not?"

The man replies, "He doesn't have a *****."

The biker demands, "Well, how does he take a leak?"

The man says, "He goes ''hhhh-ptoooey!'.

Yes, yes, sank you, sank you, I the world's only ninja comedian. Sank you, sank you, I here aaall week!

 

[Brian]

the meanest, ugliest biker is sitting, and goes, 'hhhh-ptoooey!' right in his face.

Hey Stout!

Why does it have to be a Biker?



Why not a Tango Dancer?




Just kidding Tang, I couldn't help myself.......................

 

[Diggity]

There are 3 types of people in this world, Those that can count and those that can't.


Studies show that 5/4 of people in this world don't understand Fractions

3 strings walk into a bar and find a booth to sit at. one of the strings tells another to go up to the bar and order some drinks. So the one string goes to the bartender and asks for a round of beers for him and his friends.

The Bartender replies. "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string replies"Yes, I am"
The Bartender then says " I'm sorry we don't serve strings here"

The string then lowers his head and returns to the booth and tells the others that they don't serve strings here.

One of the other strings gets up and goes up to the bar and asks the Bartender. " Sir, I want to order a round of beers for myself and my friends."

The Bartender again replies " Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string replies " why, yes I am"
The Bartender again replies " I'm sorry we don't serve strings here"

The string goes back and says he's right they don't serve strings here.

The Third string gets up, twists himself around some and ruffles up his hair a little and approachs the Bartender.

" Excuse me Sir, can I get a round of beers for myself and my friends?"

The Bartender once again replies." Hey, aren't you a string?"
and the String replies " I'm a Frayed Knot"

 

[ASUCHRIS]

Q. How did the Scotsman find the sheep in the tall grass?


A. very satisfying

 

[ASUCHRIS]

Mr. Brown visits his doctor for his annual checkup. "I need stool, urine, and sperm samples," says the doctor. The old man thinks for a moment, and then says, "Will my underwear do?"

 

[Ryanwb]

I was looking through this herb book that I have had since 1989. I just happen to be flipping through it and I came across rhubarb. Rhubarb is used to treat chronic diarreha, so now I know why cheesebeef is so into rhubarb...but doesn't know how to spell it right

 

[vince56]

yeah? You ever worked in a pharmacy? I used to work for a nationwide mail order pharmacy company that carried a product called Rectal Foam and used to furnish replacement parts for penis pumps for men over 65. Imagine taking THOSE calls all day!

 

[jf-08]

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?


A. Who cares, why was she out of the kitchen?

 

[jf-08]

One day the wife came home after a full day of trying on swim suits. She was despondent because none of them fit her small bust line real well.

She went to her husband, a very frugal man and told him: "Honey, I think I am going to get a boob job. It will make me feel real sexy."

The husband didn't even look up from his newspaper and replied, "How much does it cost?"

She stated "Not that expensive - only $2500 dollars."

He sat there in quiet thought for a moment and then answered, "I don't think that we can afford it. But I know a way of increasing the size of them without any extra cost at all."

She begged him, "Please tell me! Please tell me!"

"Well, all that you have to do is every day when you wake up and every night before you go to bed, rub toilet paper all over your chest and your boobs should get huge," he answered.

"Toilet paper, why toilet paper?"

"Well for the past several years, you have been rubbing toilet paper all over your a$$ and look how huge that is now!"

 

[jstadvl]

MD

you crack me up!

 

[john h]

Originally posted by outcent
RAF Mildenhall. Its about 2 hrs north of London.

flew in and out of Mildenhall for 4 years. McGuire to Harmon to Mildenhall to Paris to Frankfurt and back 3 times a month.

 

[jf-08]

A farmer walks into a bar with a pig with three legs. The bartender yaps, "Hey farmer, we don't allow animals in this establishment!" He threw his thumb over his shoulder pointing to a sign that forbade animals.

The farmer, seeing the sign, nodded, but proceeded, "Well, I understand, but you have to realize that this pig here is a very special pig."

The bartender replied "Don't matter, get it outta here!"

The farmer continued, "Ya see, when my little Tommy Bob was down at the fishin' hole last summer, he started to drown. No one was close to help him 'cept the pig. Pig jumped in and saved his life!"

Barkeep interrupted, "Ain't no fancy story like that's gonna make me change my mind!"

The farmer blushed a little, "Well that's not all, this past winter when our barn burned down, my little Hilda Mae was stuck in the roost and that darned pig climbed all of the way up there and rescued her from burning up! And last spring, when my wife fell and broke her hip in the woods, this guy dragged her 2 miles to the doctors!"

"WOW!" the barkeep replied, with a tear in his eye, "That is a very special pig. Okay, he can come in - and here's a drink on the house for having such a fine pig! But let me ask you a question. How did he lose the leg, did he get it caught in the fire or something?"

The farmer, proud of his liitle companion, smiled down at him and patted his head. "Naw, we love this pig so much, we only eat it a little bit at a time!"

 

[AZCB34]

A guy goes to his doctor because of a bad case of tennis elbow. Before he can tell the doc what is wrong the doc hands him a cup and tells him to pee in it. The guy does so and the doc leaves with the cup. 5 minutes later the doc comes back and says "you have tennis elbow, go home and rest and it should be fine. Come back and see me in one week."

The guy is amazed and asks the doc how he did that. Doc says "We have a new machine that can tell exactly what is wrong by the urine sample."

A week goes by and the guy wants to mess with the doc so before his appointment he has his wife pee in a cup, his 16 year old daughter pee in the cup, he drains a bit of oil out of his engine and puts that in the cup. Then he goes and beats off into the cup.

Upon arriving at the doctors office he hands the cup to the doc who leaves. 15 minutes goes by and the doc finally comes back in with a puzzled look on his face.

the guy smiles and asks the doc what is wrong.

The doc replies, "Well, you wife has syphillis, your daughter is knocked up, you engine is about to throw a rod and if you don't quit beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."

 

[bratwurst]

Re: Mideast New TV Season

Originally posted by BuckeyeCardinal
Mideast New TV Season

Absolutely freaking hilarious. I can't stop laughing at this one.