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Florida Athletic Director Jeremy Foley has begun a sweeping search for candidates to replace Ron Zook as Head Ball Coach. The following is a transcript of a call to one of what should be many coaches interviewed; selected to receive the first call completely at random and not in anyway premeditated before the decision to dismiss Zook.
Spurrier: Yello.
Foley: Steve?
Spurticus: Yuh-huh.
Foley: Heyyyyyyyy, Jeremy Foley. How the heck are ya?
Spurticus: Well, well, well. Look who found my number.
Foley: Aw, heck, buddy, just calling to, you know, see how you’re doing.
Spurticus: Knock it off with the bull****, Foley, I got a tee-time.
Foley: Oh, yeah. Good day for a little golf. Sport of gentlemen. Man I wish I…
Spurticus: Save it, jackass. We both know why you’re calling.
Foley: Matter of fact, uh, there is something I want to discuss with you.
Spurticus: Yeah, yeah. You fired Forrest Gump and you want me to save your bacon again.
Foley: Well, now I wouldn’t say…
Spurticus: Aw, bull****, Foley. You gotcher in a crack.
Foley: Yeah.
Spurticus: This is gonna take some five-star butt-kissin’. You better smear on the Chapstick and pucker up.
Foley: Now, Coach, I know we’ve had our differences.
Spurticus: Yer damn right we have, and know what’s worse? You crapped all over my legacy.
Foley: What?
Spurticus: I was more famouser even than Captain Kangaroo. I was the best ball coach since… since… hell, I was the HBC! You replaced me with a ******.
Foley: There’s no need to…
Spurticus: Shut up. You replaced me with a friggin’ Disney character. He didn’t have the sense to chew gum. I got golf balls with higher IQ’s than that dipstick.
Foley: Well he…
Spurticus: Didn’t I already fire his sorry ?
Foley: Well, Coach, that was way back…
Spurticus: Oh, and you thought he grew a brain since then. I built that team into a contender. We were in ‘lanter every year to play for the conference, and that nimrod lost to Mississippi State.
Foley: Didn’t you lose to Mississippi State?
Spurticus: ME??? I… you just… oh, that just cost you some more butt-kissin’.
Foley: Perhaps that remark was out of line.
Spurticus: Shut up. Lemme tell ya how it’s gonna be. First off, I don’t just wanna be head ball coach. Let’s just go ahead and make me Director of Football Operations.
Foley: Coach, let’s be reasonable…
Spurticus: Foley…
Foley: Done.
Spurticus: I don’t recruit.
Foley: Coach, somebody has to…
Spurticus: Foley…
Foley: Uh, we’ll get somebody on that.
Spurticus: My boys don’t do time, don’t do suspensions, and let’s not bother with classes. I don’t want eggheads, I want ballplayers.
Foley: So, status quo?
Spurticus: Egg-zackley.
Foley: Mmm-hmm.
Spurticus: Let’s talk salary.
Foley: Oh, sweet Jiminy Christmas…
Spurticus: How much ya got?
Foley: What’s this gonna take?
Spurticus: How much do you consider a ****load?
Foley: A lot.
Spurticus: Double that.
Foley: (whimper)
Spurticus: We’re just getting’ started.
Florida Athletic Director Jeremy Foley has begun a sweeping search for candidates to replace Ron Zook as Head Ball Coach. The following is a transcript of a call to one of what should be many coaches interviewed; selected to receive the first call completely at random and not in anyway premeditated before the decision to dismiss Zook.
Spurrier: Yello.
Foley: Steve?
Spurticus: Yuh-huh.
Foley: Heyyyyyyyy, Jeremy Foley. How the heck are ya?
Spurticus: Well, well, well. Look who found my number.
Foley: Aw, heck, buddy, just calling to, you know, see how you’re doing.
Spurticus: Knock it off with the bull****, Foley, I got a tee-time.
Foley: Oh, yeah. Good day for a little golf. Sport of gentlemen. Man I wish I…
Spurticus: Save it, jackass. We both know why you’re calling.
Foley: Matter of fact, uh, there is something I want to discuss with you.
Spurticus: Yeah, yeah. You fired Forrest Gump and you want me to save your bacon again.
Foley: Well, now I wouldn’t say…
Spurticus: Aw, bull****, Foley. You gotcher in a crack.
Foley: Yeah.
Spurticus: This is gonna take some five-star butt-kissin’. You better smear on the Chapstick and pucker up.
Foley: Now, Coach, I know we’ve had our differences.
Spurticus: Yer damn right we have, and know what’s worse? You crapped all over my legacy.
Foley: What?
Spurticus: I was more famouser even than Captain Kangaroo. I was the best ball coach since… since… hell, I was the HBC! You replaced me with a ******.
Foley: There’s no need to…
Spurticus: Shut up. You replaced me with a friggin’ Disney character. He didn’t have the sense to chew gum. I got golf balls with higher IQ’s than that dipstick.
Foley: Well he…
Spurticus: Didn’t I already fire his sorry ?
Foley: Well, Coach, that was way back…
Spurticus: Oh, and you thought he grew a brain since then. I built that team into a contender. We were in ‘lanter every year to play for the conference, and that nimrod lost to Mississippi State.
Foley: Didn’t you lose to Mississippi State?
Spurticus: ME??? I… you just… oh, that just cost you some more butt-kissin’.
Foley: Perhaps that remark was out of line.
Spurticus: Shut up. Lemme tell ya how it’s gonna be. First off, I don’t just wanna be head ball coach. Let’s just go ahead and make me Director of Football Operations.
Foley: Coach, let’s be reasonable…
Spurticus: Foley…
Foley: Done.
Spurticus: I don’t recruit.
Foley: Coach, somebody has to…
Spurticus: Foley…
Foley: Uh, we’ll get somebody on that.
Spurticus: My boys don’t do time, don’t do suspensions, and let’s not bother with classes. I don’t want eggheads, I want ballplayers.
Foley: So, status quo?
Spurticus: Egg-zackley.
Foley: Mmm-hmm.
Spurticus: Let’s talk salary.
Foley: Oh, sweet Jiminy Christmas…
Spurticus: How much ya got?
Foley: What’s this gonna take?
Spurticus: How much do you consider a ****load?
Foley: A lot.
Spurticus: Double that.
Foley: (whimper)
Spurticus: We’re just getting’ started.
