Missing: Big Red Suit

[Jim O]

Missing: Big Red Suit
Bob Young
The Arizona Republic
Feb. 20, 2004 12:00 AM

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SUNNY

Since radio personality Howard Stern has been credited with helping to recover the stolen head of the Phillie Phanatic, mascot of the Philadelphia Phillies, it seems only fitting that he step in on the Big Red Mystery.

A Philadelphia car dealer put up a $5,000 reward on Stern's show for the return of the Phanatic's head. Soon after, Bernard Bechtel, who allegedly pulled the headnapping, turned it in.

You may recall that last month somebody stole a car in broad daylight out of the Cardinals training facility parking lot.

It belonged to Big Red, the Cardinals mascot, whose costume was in the backseat.

According to a team spokesman, the car and the red bird are still missing.

We can only hope Big Red hasn't been turned into crimson pillow stuffing at some chop shop.

So we're calling on Stern for his help. E-mails have been issued. Our people will talk with his people, if his people will return a call.

Vince Fowler, director of marketing at Street Characters, the Calgary-based manufacturer of the costume, said that Big Red's head alone is worth $2,600. An entire costume can run $4,500-$6,500.

CHILLIN'

Now, we realize Big Red doesn't enjoy the cult following of the Phillie Phanatic. And, frankly, the Heat Index budget doesn't have room for a $5,000 reward.

But we've got an XXL Arizona Republic golf shirt, and we might even throw in a six-pack of Bud.

 

[SECTION 11]

Larry Fitzgerald stole it.
I'll tell his dad to tell him to return it.
Sorry about that.

 

[kerouac9]

Originally posted by SECTION 11
Larry Fitzgerald stole it.
I'll tell his dad to tell him to return it.
Sorry about that.

Darnell Dockett drove the getaway car, which was registered to Mike Vick.

On the bright side, I understand that Sean Taylor and Steven Jackson are on the case, and should unravel the whole story as soon as their done with their Wunderlics, which should take them about 2:30.

 

[SECTION 11]

Maurice Clarrett is filing the police report and has already contacted the insurance company on it's reported value $4,234,962.

 

[kerouac9]

Originally posted by SECTION 11
Maurice Clarrett is filing the police report and has already contacted the insurance company on it's reported value $4,234,962.

Ben Roethlisberger gave him the phone that he used to make that call. When Clarrett asked him if he had enough minutes, Ben told him, "I dunno. I don't pay the bill. Some booster gave me this phone. Don't tell anyone."

 

[SECTION 11]

Roy Williams: Are you talking to my agent Maurice?

Maurice: No, I'm retaking my math final for the third time. By the way, what the hell does, "Carry the one" mean? I can't understand a damn think this professor is talking about.

Fitzgerald: Hey, when you're done, let me borrow your phone. I need to call a pawn shop.

 

[Brian in Mesa]

Originally posted by SECTION 11
Larry Fitzgerald stole it.
I'll tell his dad to tell him to return it.
Sorry about that.

C'mon Section.

Larry Fitzgerald?

As you know, he has had a long term football relationship with coach Dennis Green. Anyone remotely close to Dennis Green would never do anything inappropriate or ... illegal.

I'm telling vikesfan!!

 

[Pariah]

OJ is on the case. He's looking for it on the golf course.

 

[Assface]

Thomas Jones has some information. He tried to call the police but broke his hand in the process.

 

[Ryanwb]

Yusef Scott had the number written on a napkin, but now there is BBQ sauce all over it

 

[SECTION 11]

Randy Moss tried to chase down the alleged thief but was blocked by a meter maid, spilling his bong water all over.

Not to be outdone, Michael Pittman rammed his Hummer into the meter maids cart.

 

[LVCARDFREAK]

Originally posted by SECTION 11
Randy Moss tried to chase down the alleged thief but was blocked by a meter maid, spilling his bong water all over.

Not to be outdone, Michael Pittman rammed his Hummer into the meter maids cart.

And trying to help Thomas Jones picked up the phone to call 911 but instead the phone slipped and he broke his hand!

 

[kerouac9]

Originally posted by SECTION 11
Randy Moss tried to chase down the alleged thief but was blocked by a meter maid, spilling his bong water all over.

Not to be outdone, Michael Pittman rammed his Hummer into the meter maids cart.

Simeon Rice watched the thief run right past him because he was busy trying to get to the open door of the car.

 

[LVCARDFREAK]

Originally posted by kerouac9
Simeon Rice watched the thief run right past him because he was busy trying to get to the open door of the car.

So KVB saw this and started running after him. He kept running and running and running but didnt have the speed or atheleticism to catch him

 

[kerouac9]

Originally posted by LVCARDFREAK
So KVB saw this and started running after him. He kept running and running and running but didnt have the speed or atheleticism to catch him

Pat Tillman pedaled his bike after the thief, but was still too slow to catch up to him.

Adrian Wilson was about to tackle him, but he took a bad angle and the thief just juked him out of the way.

 

[LVCARDFREAK]

Originally posted by kerouac9
Pat Tillman pedaled his bike after the thief, but was still too slow to catch up to him.

Adrian Wilson was about to tackle him, but he took a bad angle and the thief just juked him out of the way.

Coach Mac heard about this and summoned them all together for a pep talk but offered no startegy on how to catch the thief

 

[SECTION 11]

Clinton Portis knows who stole it, but won't divulge any info until he gets his $58,936,200 reward.

 

[Ryanwb]

Anthony Clement was suppose to guard the suit, but for some reason, the theif was able to slip past him

 

[SECTION 11]

Coach Parcells, sensing the lackadaisical nature of the investigation, removed all on-duty officers' badges, tell them they, "had to earn them."

 

[kerouac9]

The crook actually threw the suit at Bryan Gilbmore, who was gaining on him, but Gilmore dropped it and immediately fell on the ground, clutching his hamstring.

 

[SECTION 11]

Originally posted by Ryanwb
Anthony Clement was suppose to guard the suit, but for some reason, the theif was able to slip past him

I heard that the thief's accomplice pushed Leonard Davis all the way back into Big Red's locker, then simply took his suit.

Surveillance video shows the thief giving some sort of signal afterwards. It's quite difficult to tell, but it appears as if the theif is holding his hands together above his head.
Reading his lips, it looks like he's yelling "Safe Tea, Safe Tea." Details to follow...

 

[LVCARDFREAK]

The crook finally though he was in the clear when suddenly, out of nowhere, Wendel Bryant appeared, eating a chicken wing. The crook was already passed him at that point so Bryant just continued eating.

 

[SECTION 11]

In related news, Billy Gramatica was spotted jumping up and down like a spaz. No word as to whether or not the two crimes are related.

 

[SECTION 11]

When asked about his knowledge of the crime, Bob Ferguson shrugged his shoulders and said, "Aaaah. Eeehhhh. Uggghhh. Aaayyyy."

 

[Ryanwb]

Anquan Boldin is making a new suit out of pipe cleaner and locker room tape