The Headless Birdmen – Cardinals to Make Stunning Announcement
posted by jefftheshark @ 8:19 PST
In a page right out of Jerry Jones’ “Who needs a GD GM?” playbook, sources have informed us that the Cardinal organization is poised to announce that they plan to play the entire 2013 season without a new Head Coach to guide them. The stunning move is expected to save the organization “literally thousands” of dollars.
“We have always been an organization that thinks outside the box,” declared Bill Bidwill from his retirement trailer in charming Guadalupe, Arizona. The rusting Airstream stood as a perfect example of this “Commitment to Being Economical” philosophy that has worked so well for the cellar-dwelling team in the past. “Just as we were the first NFL team to play without a stadium for 18 years,” he grinned as a team official tried to shove him back into the home, “So will this new idea take the football world by storm when we...” The rest was lost when a low flying 747 landing at nearby Sky Harbor Airport drowned out the remainder of the elderly owner’s rambling monologue.
Across the sparsely landscaped ribbons of concrete that separate the Bidwill mansion and the Warner Road training facilities, Crissy McCay, a 46 year old cheerleader and interim Cardinal spokesperson, addressed the stunning rumors. “It’s like, a totally neat way to do stuff!” she cheered, waving a free red & white Target promotional pom-pom in the assembled reporter’s faces. “We’re gonna “Save! Save! Save!” The cheerleader was alluding to the long-held Cardinal belief that a penny saved was a penny put away in a lockbox forever. After adjusting her control-top panty hose, the not-so-young woman explained that the Cardinal organization was willing to “go it alone” this year and let the players basically call their own plays in 2013.
“Do you have any idea what we pay these guys?” exclaimed Guy Caballero, the Cardinals CFO, and the man responsible for insuring that the “penny saved” edict is being faithfully maintained. He went on to say that Bill had told him some “marvelous stories” about how they “used to do things” back in the “good old days” before Prohibition was repealed. “Those guys really knew their stuff,” he explained while reading from a hastily scrawled post-it note, “Plus they worked in the stockyards 80 hours a week to boot! Asking this current group of panty-waists to figure out their own plays doesn’t seem like such a tough thing - especially when you compare it to what a “professional” used to have to do.” The CFO then left to finish trimming the hedges near the dirt parking lot that runs behind the old FEMA base camp the Cardinals call their headquarters.
Darrin Urban, the team’s appointed “Chief Apologist” would not go on the record, however he did indicate that this idea had been “kicked around the Cardinal headquarters” for over a year. He pointed out that the Cards have basically spent the past two years without a Head Coach anyway, so he wasn’t sure that the fans would notice any great difference. “Losing football games isn’t as hard as it looks,” he murmured before Crissy wrestled him to the ground to shut him up.
A press conference has been scheduled for later today to make the stunning announcement. It is expected that Ray Horton, the unsung hero and sole bright spot in last year’s dismal campaign will not be in attendance. Sources say that the ex-Dallas Cowboy is being measured for a new uniform, as it is expected that he will be required to play strong safety this year in order to not be forced into taking a pay cut. “That’s the way the cookie crumbles around here,” he offered as he struggled into a used set of pads left over from the fabled 2008 season. He nodded towards the Inspirational Poster simply titled “Parsimony” hanging next to the old NFC Championship banner. The forlorn man was about to add something more when Bill Bidwill was seen running into the room.
“Did someone say that there were cookie crumbs left behind in the locker room?” he exclaimed while trying to reform the crumbs into a new cookie. “Doesn’t anyone understand the concept of saving money around here anymore?”
JTS
posted by jefftheshark @ 8:19 PST
In a page right out of Jerry Jones’ “Who needs a GD GM?” playbook, sources have informed us that the Cardinal organization is poised to announce that they plan to play the entire 2013 season without a new Head Coach to guide them. The stunning move is expected to save the organization “literally thousands” of dollars.
“We have always been an organization that thinks outside the box,” declared Bill Bidwill from his retirement trailer in charming Guadalupe, Arizona. The rusting Airstream stood as a perfect example of this “Commitment to Being Economical” philosophy that has worked so well for the cellar-dwelling team in the past. “Just as we were the first NFL team to play without a stadium for 18 years,” he grinned as a team official tried to shove him back into the home, “So will this new idea take the football world by storm when we...” The rest was lost when a low flying 747 landing at nearby Sky Harbor Airport drowned out the remainder of the elderly owner’s rambling monologue.
Across the sparsely landscaped ribbons of concrete that separate the Bidwill mansion and the Warner Road training facilities, Crissy McCay, a 46 year old cheerleader and interim Cardinal spokesperson, addressed the stunning rumors. “It’s like, a totally neat way to do stuff!” she cheered, waving a free red & white Target promotional pom-pom in the assembled reporter’s faces. “We’re gonna “Save! Save! Save!” The cheerleader was alluding to the long-held Cardinal belief that a penny saved was a penny put away in a lockbox forever. After adjusting her control-top panty hose, the not-so-young woman explained that the Cardinal organization was willing to “go it alone” this year and let the players basically call their own plays in 2013.
“Do you have any idea what we pay these guys?” exclaimed Guy Caballero, the Cardinals CFO, and the man responsible for insuring that the “penny saved” edict is being faithfully maintained. He went on to say that Bill had told him some “marvelous stories” about how they “used to do things” back in the “good old days” before Prohibition was repealed. “Those guys really knew their stuff,” he explained while reading from a hastily scrawled post-it note, “Plus they worked in the stockyards 80 hours a week to boot! Asking this current group of panty-waists to figure out their own plays doesn’t seem like such a tough thing - especially when you compare it to what a “professional” used to have to do.” The CFO then left to finish trimming the hedges near the dirt parking lot that runs behind the old FEMA base camp the Cardinals call their headquarters.
Darrin Urban, the team’s appointed “Chief Apologist” would not go on the record, however he did indicate that this idea had been “kicked around the Cardinal headquarters” for over a year. He pointed out that the Cards have basically spent the past two years without a Head Coach anyway, so he wasn’t sure that the fans would notice any great difference. “Losing football games isn’t as hard as it looks,” he murmured before Crissy wrestled him to the ground to shut him up.
A press conference has been scheduled for later today to make the stunning announcement. It is expected that Ray Horton, the unsung hero and sole bright spot in last year’s dismal campaign will not be in attendance. Sources say that the ex-Dallas Cowboy is being measured for a new uniform, as it is expected that he will be required to play strong safety this year in order to not be forced into taking a pay cut. “That’s the way the cookie crumbles around here,” he offered as he struggled into a used set of pads left over from the fabled 2008 season. He nodded towards the Inspirational Poster simply titled “Parsimony” hanging next to the old NFC Championship banner. The forlorn man was about to add something more when Bill Bidwill was seen running into the room.
“Did someone say that there were cookie crumbs left behind in the locker room?” he exclaimed while trying to reform the crumbs into a new cookie. “Doesn’t anyone understand the concept of saving money around here anymore?”
JTS
