Satire: This Just In...a Total Shocker!

[Mitch]

Newsflash:

President Michael Stein of ESPN has just announced that the highly touted world-wide sports broascasting channel, through stunning backroom negotitations well past midnight EST, has reached a signed agreement with Mr. William V. Bidwill & Co. to buy the NFL's Arizona Cardinals. The acquisition is effective immediately.

Mr. Stein reports that all the current Cardinal adminstrators and coaches have been released. ESPN has assigned each of these following employees to the respective positions:

Team President: Chris Berman

Vice President and Director of Player Personnel: Chris Mortensen

General Manager: John Clayton

Director of Pro Scouting: Ed Werder

Director of College Scouting: Mel Kiper, Jr.

Assistant Director of College Scouting: Todd McShay

Head Coach: Mike Ditka

Offensive Coordinator/QB Coach: Ron Jaworski

Asst. Offensive Coordinator/Offensive Line Coach: Mark Schlereth

Running Backs Coach: Merrill Hodge

Wide Receivers Coach: Michael Irvin

Tight Ends Coach: Shannon Sharpe

Defensive Coordinator: Tom Jackson

Asst. Defensive Coordinator: Mike Golic

Defensive Line Coach: Marcellus Wiley

Linebackers Coach: Terry Tate

Defesnive Backs Coach: Eric Allen

Special Teams Coach: Sal Paolantonio

Strength and Conditioning Coach: John Kruk

Head Cheerleading Coach: Michelle Tafoya

Darren Urban's Replacement as Beat Writer: Steven A. Smith

Stein stated that the Cardinals will have their own channel...ESAZ...and all practices and games will be televised live...one can find it on DirectTV on Channel 211 andwiched between 210 TBFC (The Brett Favre Channel) and 212 NFL Newtork.

Stein also announced, in a another surprising move, that "no decision" has been made on the starting QB situation.

 

[dreamcastrocks]

Are you asking to get banned?

 

[nashman]

lmao

 

[stewdog1]

Are you asking to get banned?

What's wrong with a lighthearted post like this?

 

[RugbyMuffin]

Stein also announced, in a another surprising move, that "no decision" has been made on the starting QB situation.

Love it!

 

[Mulli]

Are you asking to get banned?

People have been banned, or at least warned, for such things.

 

[RugbyMuffin]

Running Backs Coach: Merrill Hodge

I think he would shoot himself in the head first.

 

[RugbyMuffin]

Head Coach: Mike Ditka

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Da Cards!

 

[Billy Flynt]

Actually, Ed Werder will only scout prior to Cowboy games and again, Sean Salisbury cannot get a job with us.

 

[dreamcastrocks]

What's wrong with a lighthearted post like this?

People have been banned, or at least warned, for such things.

Mitch's recent posts have been far from lighthearted....

 

[Evil Ash]

Actually, Ed Werder will only scout prior to Cowboy games and again, Sean Salisbury cannot get a job with us.

Team photographer?

 

[slanidrac16]

Any truth to the rumor that Moklerman will be Warners personel valet?

 

[D-Dogg]

Ok, that was funny. Especially your close.

Well played.

 

[vince56]

Walter, I envy you and your freetime you must have.

 

[abomb]

Well, played.

Finally, the Cards will get some national run. Unfortunately it will be after they move to Bristol.

 

[Matt L]

There have been some extreme bannings lately.

 

[chicards11]

LOL

funny post.....though I cannot seem to find exactly whats in violation?

Why is this a ban-worthy post?

Please do not over-moderate

 

[earthsci]

.....though I cannot seem to find exactly whats in violation?

Why is this a ban-worthy post?

It could be construed as trolling though I do think that Mitch was just making light of the past couple of days.

No one is banned. Chris and the other Moderators are usually pretty quick to act and I personally like the way that this board is managed. That's why you won't find me at the "official" board.

 

[Shane]

That was great Mitch!

 

[cardfan]

I was not ready for this and you scared the crap out of Mitch.

 

[RonF]

Great job Mitch, you sure can paint with words.

 

[Trey]

My favorite...

Linebackers Coach: Terry Tate

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"You kill the joe, you make some more!"

 

[Red Hawk]

This site has really gone down hill.

More flash little substance.


Skorp you had a good thing while it lasted.

 

[Duckjake]

This site has really gone down hill.

More flash little substance.


Skorp you had a good thing while it lasted.

That's ridiculous. The posts now are just like the posts 5 years ago, 3 years ago, last year.

 

[Chris_Sanders]

I added "Satire" to the title. No need for bannings. I thought it was clever.