Memphis columnist slams Phoenix

[Azlen]

Calkins: Phoenix vs. Memphis? It's a slam dunk for the Bluff City



By Geoff Calkins
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April 24, 2005

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PHOENIX -- "By the time I get to Phoenix she'll be ..."

Laughing?

Totally confused, maybe?

Why in the world would he leave her to go to a place like Phoenix?

We can only assume she didn't live in Memphis at the time.

Otherwise, he would have stayed.

Stayed for the ribs, stayed for the music, stayed for the chance to live in a real place, with real people, with real back lawns.

Memphis has it all over Phoenix. We're not just talking basketball. We're talking everything.

Take that song. "By the Time I Get To Phoenix" was first recorded by Johnny Rivers. It was a big hit. A year before that, however, Rivers had another big hit. The name of that song?

"Memphis."

That's Phoenix, for you.

Always playing catch-up.

That's how it is with everything. Looking at the matchups between these cities -- the ones that really matter -- it's hard to imagine anything other than a Memphis sweep.

Vegetation

Us: Azaleas.

Them: Cactus.

It doesn't hurt a bit to back into azaleas. Edge, Memphis.

Actresses

Us: Cybill Shepherd.

Them: Jenna Jameson.

Cybill starred in "Moonlighting." Jenna starred in "Jenna From All Angles." Edge, Memphis.

Fossils

Them: Petrified wood.

Us: George Lapides.

Ha. I'm kidding, George. Edge, Memphis.

Mascots

Us: Grizz.

Them: Go.

Go is a Gorilla. What's a gorilla have to do with Phoenix? Or the Suns? I could see a camel, maybe. Or a raisin? Edge, Memphis.

Ancient Roots

Us: Memphians.

Them: Phoenicians.

Memphians were residents of Memphis, maybe the greatest city the world has ever seen. The Phoenicians were known as sailors and traders. Indeed, the Greek word for Phoenicians was synonymous with the color purple, from a famous dye used in the textile trade. That's why the Phoenicians became known as the Purple People. True fact. So maybe Barney could be the mascot? Edge, Memphis.

Climate

Them: Heat.

Us: Humidity.

How many times do you have to be told it's not the heat? Edge, Memphis.

Singers

Us: Elvis.

Them: Alice Cooper.

Elvis sang "Love me tender." Alice Cooper sang, "Right we all like you, we like you a lot, we like all your family, we like your dog Spot." Edge, Memphis.

NFL teams

Them: The Arizona Cardinals.

Us: None.

Edge, Memphis.

Legal minds

Them: Sandra Day O'Connor.

Us: Bren.

Sandra Day O'Connor is the first woman Justice on the United States Supreme Court. But Bren -- a Memphis prosecutor -- was one of the last five remaining on The Apprentice. Edge, Memphis.

Natural wonders

Us: The Mississippi River.

Them: The Grand Canyon.

Nobody's ever pulled a 100-pound catfish out of the Grand Canyon. Edge, Memphis.

Museums

Us: Ornamental Metal Museum.

Them: Bolo Tie Museum.

Ornamental metal doesn't go out of fashion. Edge, Memphis.

Mayors

Us: Mayor Willie Herenton.

Them: Phil Gordon.

Sure, Gordon has four children. But what's he done lately? Edge, Memphis. To reach Geoff Calkins, call him at 529-2364 or send an e-mail. You can hear his radio show, "Sportstime with George Lapides and Geoff Calkins," from 8 to 10 a.m. Monday through Friday on WHBQ-AM (560).

 

[Kolo]

Calkins: Phoenix vs. Memphis? It's a slam dunk for the Bluff City



By Geoff Calkins
Contact
April 24, 2005

You must be registered for see images

PHOENIX -- "By the time I get to Phoenix she'll be ..."

Laughing?

Totally confused, maybe?

Why in the world would he leave her to go to a place like Phoenix?

We can only assume she didn't live in Memphis at the time.

Otherwise, he would have stayed.

Stayed for the ribs, stayed for the music, stayed for the chance to live in a real place, with real people, with real back lawns.

Memphis has it all over Phoenix. We're not just talking basketball. We're talking everything.

Take that song. "By the Time I Get To Phoenix" was first recorded by Johnny Rivers. It was a big hit. A year before that, however, Rivers had another big hit. The name of that song?

"Memphis."

That's Phoenix, for you.

Always playing catch-up.

That's how it is with everything. Looking at the matchups between these cities -- the ones that really matter -- it's hard to imagine anything other than a Memphis sweep.

Vegetation

Us: Azaleas.

Them: Cactus.

It doesn't hurt a bit to back into azaleas. Edge, Memphis.

Actresses

Us: Cybill Shepherd.

Them: Jenna Jameson.

Cybill starred in "Moonlighting." Jenna starred in "Jenna From All Angles." Edge, Memphis.

Fossils

Them: Petrified wood.

Us: George Lapides.

Ha. I'm kidding, George. Edge, Memphis.

Mascots

Us: Grizz.

Them: Go.

Go is a Gorilla. What's a gorilla have to do with Phoenix? Or the Suns? I could see a camel, maybe. Or a raisin? Edge, Memphis.

Ancient Roots

Us: Memphians.

Them: Phoenicians.

Memphians were residents of Memphis, maybe the greatest city the world has ever seen. The Phoenicians were known as sailors and traders. Indeed, the Greek word for Phoenicians was synonymous with the color purple, from a famous dye used in the textile trade. That's why the Phoenicians became known as the Purple People. True fact. So maybe Barney could be the mascot? Edge, Memphis.

Climate

Them: Heat.

Us: Humidity.

How many times do you have to be told it's not the heat? Edge, Memphis.

Singers

Us: Elvis.

Them: Alice Cooper.

Elvis sang "Love me tender." Alice Cooper sang, "Right we all like you, we like you a lot, we like all your family, we like your dog Spot." Edge, Memphis.

NFL teams

Them: The Arizona Cardinals.

Us: None.

Edge, Memphis.

Legal minds

Them: Sandra Day O'Connor.

Us: Bren.

Sandra Day O'Connor is the first woman Justice on the United States Supreme Court. But Bren -- a Memphis prosecutor -- was one of the last five remaining on The Apprentice. Edge, Memphis.

Natural wonders

Us: The Mississippi River.

Them: The Grand Canyon.

Nobody's ever pulled a 100-pound catfish out of the Grand Canyon. Edge, Memphis.

Museums

Us: Ornamental Metal Museum.

Them: Bolo Tie Museum.

Ornamental metal doesn't go out of fashion. Edge, Memphis.

Mayors

Us: Mayor Willie Herenton.

Them: Phil Gordon.

Sure, Gordon has four children. But what's he done lately? Edge, Memphis. To reach Geoff Calkins, call him at 529-2364 or send an e-mail. You can hear his radio show, "Sportstime with George Lapides and Geoff Calkins," from 8 to 10 a.m. Monday through Friday on WHBQ-AM (560).

My Phoenician sensibilities aren't offended, but my sense of humor is.

 

[WaywardFan]

Who the hell would choose Cybil Sheppard over Jenna Jameson?????

 

[Skratchy_Seal]

Sounds like he's just trying to be humorous. Downtown Memphis is sweet. It has Beale St right next to FedEx Forum, a big mall, and the famous Peabody Hotel with the ducks. It's lively. Outside of downtown, there is nothing...unless you want to see Graceland. With that, I would certainly rather be in Phoenix. Come on, we have palm trees! You can't beat palm trees!!

 

[Tank]

Who the hell would choose Cybil Sheppard over Jenna Jameson?????

EXACTLY my thoughts when reading this.... dude has some messed up priorities...

 

[ActingWild]

Who the hell would choose Cybil Sheppard over Jenna Jameson?????

I think all you need to do is look at the picture of the guy who wrote it and you'll have your answer. That guy looks like he eats people in his basement.

Did he ask a 5 year old to help him write this? I mean, I understand he's trying to be funny...but YEEEESH, I've seen box scores written with more creativity.

 

[Cheesebeef]

I'll say this - downtown Memphis kicks the crap out of downtown Phoenix and they're food DWARFS Phoenix's, but that's it. No NFL, they have the Vancouver Grizzlies and more incest rape in one week than Phoenix has probably ever had in it's existence!

 

[Cheesebeef]

I think all you need to do is look at the picture of the guy who wrote it and you'll have your answer. That guy looks like he eats people in his basement.

Did he ask a 5 year old to help him write this? I mean, I understand he's trying to be funny...but YEEEESH, I've seen box scores written with more creativity.

dude - the post above is hilarious - from looking like someone who "eats people in his basement" to the box scores slam - I am nominating you for post of the day.

You should send him what you just wrote - it's brilliant.

 

[Kolo]

Who the hell would choose Cybil Sheppard over Jenna Jameson?????

Cybil Sheppard did look pretty tasty in Taxi Driver.

 

[Chaplin]

Think he's a little angry that we won last night?

 

[ActingWild]

dude - the post above is hilarious - from looking like someone who "eats people in his basement" to the box scores slam - I am nominating you for post of the day.

You should send him what you just wrote - it's brilliant.

Thanks cheese!

 

[elindholm]

NFL teams

Them: The Arizona Cardinals.

Us: None.

Edge, Memphis.

 

[jf-08]

That guy's humor is 2nd-Gradish.

He is probably ticked that he is the only dude that ever got turned down by Jenna in a Point Of View flick.

 

[jf-08]

 

[elindholm]

Hey, come on, the Cardinals are terrible. I moved out of the Phoenix area before they came to town, so I've never felt any allegiance to them. Actually I'm not much of an NFL fan, and since I now live in the Los Angeles area, I don't even have a logical team to adopt. But anyone who looks at the NFL objectively knows that the Cardinals are the worst franchise in the league. Nothing personal, that's just the way it is.

 

[Ouchie-Z-Clown]

My Phoenician sensibilities aren't offended, but my sense of humor is.

exactly. not only are his arguments stupid, but they aren't even clever or remotely funny. if memphians laugh at his column phoenicians win in the only comparison necessary . . . intelligence. oh, that and the fact that our suns are going to continue to kick the ever-loving crap outta their ***** transient griz...

 

[Ouchie-Z-Clown]

That guy looks like he eats people in his basement.

QUOTE]


POTD

DB!

 

[Ouchie-Z-Clown]

dude - the post above is hilarious - from looking like someone who "eats people in his basement" to the box scores slam - I am nominating you for post of the day.

You should send him what you just wrote - it's brilliant.

we're gettin' scary with our thinkin' again. i posted that POTD before i read your reply. geez...

i hope you're having more success procuring coachella favors . . .

 

[maddogkf]

Who the hell would choose Cybil Sheppard over Jenna Jameson?????

dude has some serious screws loose

 

[Ouchie-Z-Clown]

Hey, come on, the Cardinals are terrible. I moved out of the Phoenix area before they came to town, so I've never felt any allegiance to them. Actually I'm not much of an NFL fan, and since I now live in the Los Angeles area, I don't even have a logical team to adopt. But anyone who looks at the NFL objectively knows that the Cardinals are the worst franchise in the league. Nothing personal, that's just the way it is.

you really don't know football b/c that's changing. you're reflecting an age old (albeit legitimate) national bias that will continue to exist until they put up or shut up, but denny's making a real difference. his draft last year was superb and his offseasons the past two years have been excellent and his draft this year is routinely being touted as one of the top three if not the top in the nfl. throw in new jerseys and the new stadium and you get a much different impression of the cards these days . . .

 

[se7en]

Ouchie, like Eric I too am mostly a basketball fan. I appreciate your passion for your football team, but you need to be realistic here. There’s no bias against the Cardinals. When people say the team isn’t very good (trying to be kind), it’s true. They’ve been to the playoffs like once in 20 years. Think about that – the Suns miss the playoffs as often as the Cardinals make the playoffs. And they’ve won one playoff game in like 50 years. There’s no bias. Everything the media says about the Cardinals is true – they have been one of the worst teams in sports history. Will that change? Heck if I know. But it hasn’t yet. And those are the hard cold facts. Now maybe Green will turn them into winners this year. But it hasn’t happened YET. Until then, it’s a bit premature to call the Cardinals a quality franchise or a good team.

 

[elindholm]

you really don't know football b/c that's changing... throw in new jerseys and the new stadium and you get a much different impression of the cards these days . . .

Wow, I didn't realize they were going to have new jerseys. So I take it all back.

 

[Ouchie-Z-Clown]

Ouchie, like Eric I too am mostly a basketball fan. I appreciate your passion for your football team, but you need to be realistic here. There’s no bias against the Cardinals. When people say the team isn’t very good (trying to be kind), it’s true. They’ve been to the playoffs like once in 20 years. Think about that – the Suns miss the playoffs as often as the Cardinals make the playoffs. And they’ve won one playoff game in like 50 years. There’s no bias. Everything the media says about the Cardinals is true – they have been one of the worst teams in sports history. Will that change? Heck if I know. But it hasn’t yet. And those are the hard cold facts. Now maybe Green will turn them into winners this year. But it hasn’t happened YET. Until then, it’s a bit premature to call the Cardinals a quality franchise or a good team.

first, i never said they were a quality franchise or a good team. i said they were turning a corner. eric called them "terrible" and i admit that their history evidences that. se7en, you don't post on the cards board, so i forgive you for not knowing my reputation over there, along with cheese, i'm one of the foremost "darksiders" (nomenclature developed to reference the "pessimists" - though we prefer to be called realists - on the board). trust me, i am not one of the kool-aiders. the bias exists when you are basing your comments on the history of the team and not the reality of what's currently happening. even as a cards fan i relentlessly bashed them in the past b/c their play on the field and moves off it deserved bashing. but this past year the team became much more competitive and their moves have been lauded league-wide. these are not indications of a "terrible" team. i guess it's kind of semantics, but when you say it's a bad team are you saying that is so historically (in which case you'd be right) or currently (in which case you'd still be correct, but only partially so)?

 

[Cheesebeef]

you really don't know football b/c that's changing... throw in new jerseys and the new stadium and you get a much different impression of the cards these days . . .

Wow, I didn't realize they were going to have new jerseys. So I take it all back.

this is ******** - way to nitpick one thing amongst the rest of the changes the Cards have made since they hired DG and had back to back the best drafts in the NFL and arguably the best FA classes the last two years.

Weak man, weak.

As far as them being the worst franchise in the league - that may have been true two years ago - but times change. You can look at the city by the bay as the worst franchise in the league now.

 

[Ouchie-Z-Clown]

you really don't know football b/c that's changing... throw in new jerseys and the new stadium and you get a much different impression of the cards these days . . .

Wow, I didn't realize they were going to have new jerseys. So I take it all back.

i knew you'd come around . . .