crisper57
Open the Roof!
EDIT: This is a satire that I wrote, but I borrowed most the points from actual conversations I have had and/or articles I have read.
Explaining Away the NFC West:
As an NFC East Blogger, I think it is my responsibility to address the supposed “rise” of a new power division in football. Let’s face it, fellow Eastsiders, does anyone care about the NFC West? They should just forfeit their games out of common decency. No one wants to see them in the playoffs.
Other than having some pretty decent weather for us to invade their stadiums, there isn’t a lot to like about this doormat of the NFL. In fact, I predict that now that the real refs are back, the insanity out West will return to its usual sub-par self in no time. To that end, I’d like to explain why we won’t have to endure multiple teams from the NFCW in the playoffs come January.
Arizona Cardinals (4-0)
Let’s face it. Who’ve they really played? Seattle had a rooking QB starting in his first NFL game, so you knew that was an automatic win for the Redbirds. Then they go to New England, where I can only assume Tom Brady was knocked out of the game, because he only had one TD pass all day. That was a lucky break for the Cardinals, folks, and one they won’t repeat from now until the end of time. Then they beat up on the Eagles. Hey, anyone can have a bad day. If that game was in Philly, you can just flip the score, so I don’t give them any credit for that one either. Finally, they struggled against the Dolphins, my pick for the worst team in the NFL. If the Cardinals can only manage to beat the Fins with an OT field goal, they must not be very good.
San Francisco 49ers (3-1)
They went into Lambeau and beat the Packers in Week 1. Big deal. Week one is just an extension of the preseason anyway. The Packers would beat the Niners weeks 2-17, so I don’t count this one. Then they beat Detroit, who looks pitiful. Next, they got jack-stomped by the Vikings. Hell, they even let the QB scamper in to score a TD against their once-feared run defense.
So what if they beat the Jets in New York? Darrelle Revis didn’t play. In fact, he probably would have returned at least 3 interceptions for TD’s. So the Jets really would have won 21-13 if you count it up right.
Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
They got beat by sucky teams like the Cardinals and Rams. Enough said. But if you want more, the replacement refs gifted them one of their wins against Green Bay. The only legit win on their schedule came against America’s team, but I have it on good authority that Tony Romo ate some bad sushi the night before the game, so I can’t even give them credit for that. In fact, I wonder if it was all a Pete Carroll plot to begin with. That guy is shady.
St. Louis Rams (2-2)
They lost to the aforementioned sucky Lions in Week One. Then they “beat” the Redskins because of a phantom personal foul penalty that moved the game-winning field goal out of range. If this team isn’t playing dirty, they probably haven’t taken the field yet. And we all know that only the most desperate, pathetic teams have to cheat to win. Then they got stomped by with world-beater Bears in the Division’s worst loss to date. Finally they beat the Seahawks, but c’mon, that victory goes to karma more than it does the Rams.
So there you have it, folks. The Wild West will calm right down when we get our refs out there to put those upstarts in their place. The NFC (B)East will rise again, even if we are technically 0-3 head-to-head so far this season.
Explaining Away the NFC West:
As an NFC East Blogger, I think it is my responsibility to address the supposed “rise” of a new power division in football. Let’s face it, fellow Eastsiders, does anyone care about the NFC West? They should just forfeit their games out of common decency. No one wants to see them in the playoffs.
Other than having some pretty decent weather for us to invade their stadiums, there isn’t a lot to like about this doormat of the NFL. In fact, I predict that now that the real refs are back, the insanity out West will return to its usual sub-par self in no time. To that end, I’d like to explain why we won’t have to endure multiple teams from the NFCW in the playoffs come January.
Arizona Cardinals (4-0)
Let’s face it. Who’ve they really played? Seattle had a rooking QB starting in his first NFL game, so you knew that was an automatic win for the Redbirds. Then they go to New England, where I can only assume Tom Brady was knocked out of the game, because he only had one TD pass all day. That was a lucky break for the Cardinals, folks, and one they won’t repeat from now until the end of time. Then they beat up on the Eagles. Hey, anyone can have a bad day. If that game was in Philly, you can just flip the score, so I don’t give them any credit for that one either. Finally, they struggled against the Dolphins, my pick for the worst team in the NFL. If the Cardinals can only manage to beat the Fins with an OT field goal, they must not be very good.
San Francisco 49ers (3-1)
They went into Lambeau and beat the Packers in Week 1. Big deal. Week one is just an extension of the preseason anyway. The Packers would beat the Niners weeks 2-17, so I don’t count this one. Then they beat Detroit, who looks pitiful. Next, they got jack-stomped by the Vikings. Hell, they even let the QB scamper in to score a TD against their once-feared run defense.
So what if they beat the Jets in New York? Darrelle Revis didn’t play. In fact, he probably would have returned at least 3 interceptions for TD’s. So the Jets really would have won 21-13 if you count it up right.
Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
They got beat by sucky teams like the Cardinals and Rams. Enough said. But if you want more, the replacement refs gifted them one of their wins against Green Bay. The only legit win on their schedule came against America’s team, but I have it on good authority that Tony Romo ate some bad sushi the night before the game, so I can’t even give them credit for that. In fact, I wonder if it was all a Pete Carroll plot to begin with. That guy is shady.
St. Louis Rams (2-2)
They lost to the aforementioned sucky Lions in Week One. Then they “beat” the Redskins because of a phantom personal foul penalty that moved the game-winning field goal out of range. If this team isn’t playing dirty, they probably haven’t taken the field yet. And we all know that only the most desperate, pathetic teams have to cheat to win. Then they got stomped by with world-beater Bears in the Division’s worst loss to date. Finally they beat the Seahawks, but c’mon, that victory goes to karma more than it does the Rams.
So there you have it, folks. The Wild West will calm right down when we get our refs out there to put those upstarts in their place. The NFC (B)East will rise again, even if we are technically 0-3 head-to-head so far this season.
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