Sometime in August, 2004
Dear Mr. Buss,
I look forward to a long and preprosterous relationship with you in my new role as GM of the Lakers. Thank you for all of your kindness during my recent trial, my bad, trials.
But more importantly thank you for agreeing to get Shaq's sorry fat self (SSFS) off my team.
In regards to your question of what types of co-workers I would want to replace SFFS I have a few very strong opinions.
1)A point guard who can pass me the ball so I can get my shots. It would be good if he can occasionally make a shot himself in case I dribble it off my leg or something and the 24 second clock is running out.
But most importantly he needs to be able to pass me the ball so I can get my shots. And not take many shots so I can get at least 25 shots per game.
2)A small forward that can guard people. And makes steals so I can get back down court and get my shots. Someone like Pippen was for MJ.
3)A power forward who can rebound and pass. Especially offensive rebound. So on those rare occasions when I miss my shot he can throw it back to me for another shot. Someone like Rodman was for MJ. But without the street cred and good looking girls friends and books and stuff. He also needs to be able to pass without turning it over. Because when we turn it over that's one less shot for me.
4)A center who draws a double team even though he never takes a shot. So he can then pass it to me so I can get my shots. SFFS had the first part down. But he struggled with the second part.
I don't have a good example for this guy. But our scouts are good. I'll bet there's one somewhere in China. A guy like Yao. Who doesn't take so many shots. PPod may be the guy.
5) Players who are very good but have no personality that gets in the way. And who won't steal any of my endorsements and props.
In regards to some of your trade proposals-
Dirk Nowitzki- Sorry, but he takes too many shots. And have you ever looked at his offensive rebound numbers. A dead man gets more. And he can't defend like Pippen. Plus he's got a personality. So he would take some of my shots, wouldn't make any steals to get me shots and wouldn't get my misses so he could throw it back to me for more shots.
IE, he could actually cause me to get LESS shots.
Plus he'd be a blonde white guy in LA who has a personality. Not only less shots but less props.
I can't believe you brought that stuff in here.
Steve Nash- This is more interesting. He doesn't turn it over much so more shots for me. He's a good passer. And even though he is a good shooter he's used to not getting his shots because he played with Finley and Dirk. Plus he's old and wears down in the playoffs when everyone really cares anyway. So he would take less of the spotlight off me.
But he has a lot of personality and that hair would make him real popular out here.
Nash I would consider, though, if he agrees to get a haircut and look more like those dorky pictures of him when he first came in the league.
Antoine Walker- All I can say is "Say What?" This guy said the only reason he shoots so many threes is because they don't have fours. He can pass ok and get rebounds but he'd takes way too many of my shots.
I know you like Walker because he only has one year left on his contract so we could go get somebody like Rodman or Pippen later. But you never know when you might get hit by a car or go to jail or something, right? Life is too short to waste a year with someone who keeps me from getting my shots. If you promise that Rudy T. will keep him on IR all year I might consider it.
Not on the bench, though, because I couldn't take looking at his sour beer face all season.
Doug Christie- This guy I like. He steals the ball a lot like Pippen. Ugly as sin and has a rep of being under his wife's thumb, so that's a big plus. Still takes way too many shots for my taste, but I think I could work with him. As long as there's something in his contract to keep his sorry self wife out of the arena. And no hand signals.
Chris Webber- A little too good looking for my taste. But he has a bad rep and doesn't get many endorsements. A big plus.
And the boy can pass. And he draws the double team. But more importantly he's hurt and not as good as he used to be so he won't take as many shots.
But, unfortunately, his knee might keep him from getting as many boards. Which means less shots for me.
Guess you have to compromise sometimes.
Bobby Jackson-Kinda cute so he might get some of my endorsements and props. But he passes pretty good and doesn't turn it over much. Would prefer someone who gets more steals so I can get my shots, though. But he can't wear the headband.
Pablo Podvozorngking or PPod as you call him- A near ideal center. Looks like Lurch, can't shoot, as big as Shaq but can't shoot. Too young to draw the double team, but in a year or two he could be the guy I mentioned earlier that our scouts need to find. A big man who draws a double team, can rebound my misses and doesn't shoot. Would definitely like to have him here.
Lurch didn't get any endorsements did he?
I think I have outlined my criteria pretty clearly here. Look forward to seeing what sort of packages you can put together that meet my specs.
And thanks again for getting SSFS off my team.
Regards,
GM Kobe